kJ’s paradise~

It’s been a long week- busy and hectic week. All about work. Looking back at my schedule, sometimes i wonder how did i ever make it to what i’ve done today. Everyday seems to have endless pending tasks, and most of the time i’m only able to hit the sack nearing to wee hours.

Not to mention waking up at 8am then to kick start my day. =.=”

Anyways, the roadshow i’m currently running is finally coming to an end. To be in precise it is ending on Monday and finally some good sleep. I’ve met lotsa people - most of them are new to me, and i’ve gotten more headache moments dealing with some of them.

There are people who are destined to be successful. There are also some people who are fated to be such a failure. Working attitute determines how one handles challenges in life. If you cant even take a part time job seriously, if your life dictionary has never gotten a ‘punctuality’ word to have existed, I think you are such a loser.

Why do people gains all the trust and confidence from others easily whilst you are still finding your path along the way? If one doesnt have the quality, or you are unable to deliver a simple task completely, i would really have doubts to hire you again in the near future.

So why bother to come to me and ask for upcoming jobs vacancy and specially mention you deserve a higher pay? [LoL] do you think i give a damn to even explain you deserve half the price of what i’m offering now if i would ever take you again?

Life. Some people are merely messing up their lives living in own imagination.

I wonder how do they survive stepping into this working world.

************************************************************

On the other hand, i’ve been badly disturbed by some untruth rumours recently. There’s this chinese phrase that says dont bother to explain because rumour eventually stops (spreading) when it reaches an intellegent someone. Only foolish people randomly follows whatever others say - which i THOUGHT it could be true.

Somehow i was very wrong. Or perhaps people around me are still yet to be upgraded to ‘intellegent people’.

Not refering to all, but some of those that i know.

Things got worsen these days. Every now and then i hear things from everywhere - which people assume it will never come back to me. I’ve never been a superstitious person to go to a temple to burn more incantations and pray for my well-being thinking that life is gonna be a lot easier after this; but i just stay put to my belief and know i’m always well-protected.

And things are trying to knock me off my feet each time i’m trying to stand still. Perhaps its all challenges in life to train me a better person. What doesnt kill me, makes me stronger?

I wish i am, walking at a stable pace with someone i can rely to, holding my hands and still smiling comfortably despite whatever bad things that have happened.

It’s the support we can have for each other - though i used to long for a confession which it then ended nowhere -

i’m glad to be who i am today, with someone that i can trust and love entirely, and though life might lead us to nowhere or eventually we might have to be apart.. I still appreciate what i have today.

With you. and only you.

高山顶云眺远景， 浩气昂首不为屈， 能者为王自成域。

It’s been a long time since i last updated my blog. I mean, really long. I always have lotsa things to write or say but when i finally have the time to pen them all done it’s all over and i dont feel like mentioning it all over again.

Anyway, one word to sum it all up. BUSY.

I’ve got some projects confirmed, of course, that brings a smile to my face (lol) because they generate income! but at the same time i’ve been too busy that i rarely get a good sleep at night. I tend to come home from work only at 8pm, exactly 12 hours after i left. I still have tonnes of paper work to do till midnight, and when it’s time to catch a sleep it’s also time to wake up T.T”

Once a while i have the leisure to dream! and there was one night i dreamt of some really horrifying scenes but i dont know why did i wake up tearing. I think it’s really funny. Sigh. Maybe i’ve then mixed up all my emotions for this one whole month.

Took a day trip off to Malacca 2 weeks ago. I think that wasnt exactly a holiday but more of work. I miss holidays. I miss some really relaxing moments to do nothing and just sipping coffee. A friend is off to Sabah for diving and i was so tempted to tag along - yeah was.

I am just having more and more responsibilities on hands and burden over my shoulders that i could not just take off days like how i used to be. Maybe it’s a sign of adulthood. I’m finally a working adult with a deceiving kiddo look

Ok, this is meant for a quick update :)  I needa run, tonnes of pending work awaiting and i just so miss my bed. I’m also missing someone who’s far away. But i’ve then lost count on ‘far’ and ‘distance’.

It doesnt really matter even if that person is in KL or not. To me he’s always far. Maybe near yet far.

I’m practically married. Married to my work.

Kudos!

I feel weak. Suddenly. There’s just one thing which had just happened this morning ruined all my plans.

Yes people. I’m back to KL.

and never did i know the moment i’m back, my LuckyGirl falls sick.

She’s now having similar symptoms to what my previous LuckyBoy was experiencing just before he died from kidney failure last year on the 9th of May, not taking a single bit of food since 12 hours ago. She barely drinks a mouthful of water like what she normally does, because that only leads to the result of puking non stop as if her gastric is really gasy.

This is Lucky when she’s in a mood to play. I was too tired to actually accompany her so i had to put her in a pail! She has no way to climb out! lol

Her vomitus is all bubblish fluid despite the fact that she hasnt been taking any food nor drinks. She looks weak, but she still barks at random strangers once a while who comes near my house.

As i pen this down, it’s been 12 hours since the first puking. She’s also experiencing diarrhoea. Brought her to the vet in Cheras this evening, just as i reached at 5pm sharp i was told the charges of consultation fee will be RM100 instead of the normal RM30 because it’s now 5pm. (wtf?) I conformed to it. What to do, she’s my only baby. If RM70 difference can bring her back to a healthier condition i dont mind doing so.

See how she sleeps comfortably when she knows the best bed on earth is my leg!

i saw the agony in her eyes when she had to be ‘cucuk’ twice, yeah gotta undergo 2 different types of injection to stabilize her condition. Vet said it might be due to food-poisoning, or it could be kidney failure as Schnauzer breed is very prone to such disease. She looked at me pitifully, probably wondering why would i send her to such place to kena cucuk on both her thighs.

Brought her to MidValley after visiting the vet. I still had to work though my whole afternoon plan was ruined. She was quite cooperative, didnt bark at anyone, and sat quietly in her cage. That’s pretty unusual to have happened on a schnauzer breed, if you know what i meant.

Can you spot which is her head and which is the tail? The two white patch is actually her hands! her head is just next to the white container. And yes, you are right! it’s terbalik. This is how she sleeps.

For a moment i really wished she was barking crazily at random strangers and i had to try calming her down by pacifying her in whatever ways, though i might look really distress or fugly but that would mean she’s in her normal + perfect condition! but no, i was half disappointed because she was rather quiet, but also gratified that she didnt bring much troubles.

Sigh. what a dilemma.

She still pukes every now and then. Like i’ve said, no ‘input’ but there’s quite some fluid output. Sigh. I have to constantly apply some water onto her tongue just in case she gets dehydrated. She’s quite reluctant to drink water probably having a phobia of throwing things out from her throat.

Just feeling emo and down. There’s no one that i can really share this to, i dont know who i can talk to.

Anyone can cheer me up please? I can’t even concentrate to work now

Got some really important tasks these two days but i cant even pick up pieces of mind from everywhere. Not even writing a good article i felt like i was just being random.

=(

Some pictures of LuckyGirl the last few months.

She likes to scare me by looking up to the air, sometime middle of the night and start howling. Yes, for no reason! 

 and when i dont give a damn she realises her trick doenst pull through, she sleeps and ignore all others.

Baby, please get well soon. The blood test results will be out tomorrow morning and i’m really worried. I have no idea how i am gonna pull through tonight by just looking at you .. i pray for your health and safety. Please be well, and dont leave me so sudden like what your ‘koko’ did earlier.

=(

Loving you,

KJ cheche

I’m sick.

Physically and mentally. I’m feeling so tired.

Hoping it’s none of the Influenza A virus attack. Perhaps i’ve eaten too much good food. Perhaps i’ve read some heart-breaking articles. Perhaps i’ve come across some unbearable scenes and shoutouts from some people, which resulted in that envious and irritating feeling in me.

I miss home. Right now. So much.

[edited, some were written while i was still in KL and some when i’ve landed in a new city]

I’m sitting at the airport as i pen this down, kinda aimlessly but in a much quiet serenity.

It’s 6am in the morning. I feel the aircond slowly coating my outer layer of clothes and coming into my flesh. What a chill. But i still woke up this morning crying. It’s already the 2nd day.

I didnt have to go, i thought. It’s been a thousand thoughts at least and opinions i’ve gathered if i should proceed. I’ve finally decided to let go, but that flashy moment of what have happened just two days ago awaken me and i just want to leave. I’ve always got such trend of wanting to escape.. not like a holiday-gateaway but rather, avoiding things that might be happening.

And yes, it’s normally the bad ones.

I thank god (general term, i’m a free-thinker! dont misinterpret this term okays) for giving me such opportunity to explore. I’m always gifted with surprises and blessings. Perhaps what i’ve gone through 5 years ago has taught me to be more appreciative to things in life. People around me. and of course, opportunity does not knock twice. I grab whatever i can to be floating in such ugly sinister society which you experienced different challenges.

I’m still lost.

and before today, before this moment, i’ve undergone some really roller coaster feelings in life which never brought me such incertainty. Yet again, i’ve got them all in one finger snap because of certain people around me. I hate the guess. I hate the mind-reading game.

I know hate is such a heavy word to be used. But i’m tired of saying i dislike. I just want to express my anger, my dissatisfaction towards cases that happened around me, be it to my concern. Why? How could it be so fragile even it’s not meant to be forever?

I probably wouldnt have much leisure and mood to really walk around HK city this time. I’m not in a mood to explore; i actually have tonnes of work to do but i dont know why am i here. I just need internet connection and do my work.. and this time it’s gonna be in such hectic world of busy society. I looked out from my window. It’s such a contrast to the life when i was backpacking to New Zealand.

Anyway, i’ve decided to let go. I dont longer wait for his sms. I dont longer anticipate that spice in life. I prefer a rumourless world, with just me, and myself. The once a while of missing moments i truly appreciate. But it’s gonna come to an end really soon, i am surprised i wasnt tempted to buy any postcards to be sent to the lovely KL city again. after what he has put me through.

I smile, and yes, Good Afternoon HongKong I’m gonna try the famous egg tart at Lan Kwai Foong now

 xoxo

突然很想念一个人。 令我窒息。

我完全无法掌握自己不可自拔的感觉。原来真的很可怕。

可能是病了的原因。今天跑了几十公里。回到家竟然呕了。可能是体力不支。也或则是我睡不够。

好累。膝盖又疼。但我都默默的忍了。

昏昏睡了整个下午。被电话吵醒但却不是我想听到的声音。

我突然怕了我自己。我害怕我现在变成的模样。感情陷入无底洞。

反复的听着杨丞琳的 [带我走]， 我突然就这么的决定下一个流浪地点，如果。。 如果我去不成香港。

还有3天。可是我什么都没准备。是不是因为自己累了。累了不想一个人逃避。

我哭。因为我以为做的选择能帮助我脱离现有的困境。我不想去爱。可是我还是爱了。

爱的最痛苦是因为爱的人不值得你去爱。他永远只当你是朋友。何苦要为难自己。

带我走。。我想要走。让自己出走。

我想念一个人。那莫名的感觉，在我生病时更甚强烈。

我不想隐瞒。就放纵自己。。病了，什么都可以吧。

希望明天的我可以站起来。一定要。。

-凯嘉-

What dreams are made of ..

It’s supposed to be meant for the title.

There are a lot of version of such song over youtube. Obviously the most famous one now is by Hilary Duff. I personally prefer the Ballad version, very soothing, very soft.

Got to know this song through a blog’s background music recommended by a friend. Was just listening it as one of the soul-calming music, but never did i expect that it soon turned to be such a song that can easily ‘emotionalify’ me.

I could listen to it over and over again. Fall into deep thoughts. Sink into my own memories in life. Be it sweet or bitter, or even sour, it’s all mine.

And today, i was really stressed at work. Things came in all in once and i wasnt even ready for all. Yes i hate to meet deadlines especially last minute requests, but i know i need to survive in such working environment else i will just get disqualified out of the game.

It finally exploded after i put on this song on my player. I teared.

and i decided to take a break to go out for a yummy pint of Baskin Robbins’ 31st of the month’s discount of 31% on his favourite Rum and Raisins flavour ice cream.

Looking out of the shop, i see cars. i see hundreds of people walking up and down, its off office hours. I begin to think what have i been doing in life. Such a hectic life i’m undergoing. Does it all worth, i wonder. What do i get in return, does monetary return brings satisfatory or was it a proud sense of achivement which i’m longing for.

I feel lost. Though i’m not getting any answers, the workload in the office awaits and i know i still have to conform to it.

I wouldnt have another 31st of the month in this year of 2009 to sit down eating BR ice cream in such a serenity. I love the tranquilness of such, but i hate the loneliness that accompanies the coming.

I sighed. Walked out, feeling satisfied, heading back to the contradictable disorderly mess in office.

Another long night for me.

-KJ-

I’m not even in a mood to write a single thing. But i just want to say that i’m depressed.

For no reason.

Maybe there’s one. But i couldnt even judge if that was the reason why am i feeeling so down. So lost.

I love facebook for a reason. But that’s also the reason why i hated it so much now. It’s a portal for socialization purpose, but it also brought out some facts to your realisation if it’s meant to be a lie.

I remember last year (or was it even longer) that i heard about such joke (or was it real too?), that the Mr someone was about to get married in a month time. He was thinking to celebrate a few more bachelor’s night with different gang of friends. So he went without informing the fiancee. Coming home denying that he hang out with some hot random chics in night clubs, his fiancee then found his pictures over facebook with his face tagged by them.

Cant recall if that spoilt the marriage plan but i supposed no. But look, these are the consequences ahead if you have been soaking in the facebook world for some time.

Yeah. I logged in and found some random things. Maybe it was my fault and i shouldnt be checking things out. But its out of curiousity and never did i realise i will be able to find ‘truth’ beneath.

So i’ve been depressed for the past two days. Went out to swim trying to de-stress, it helped a lil for that split seconds but not when i’m home again.

Wishing if there’s someone who can cheer me up. But the more people are asking me ‘How are you’ it just reminded me of how unwell i am. I dont want to say I’m fine when i’m clearly not, but most people out there aren’t helping much but just wanting to know your stories.

When all the unwell added up they defeated me so strongly that i couldnt even breathe. Like what i wrote in my facebook shoutouts, This world brought me down, crashed me to the floor and stomped on me; Let me down, turned its back and walked away to leave me lay on the cold hard ground.

I am having the same feeling. But i dont have anyone to turn to.

I wish i’m enjoying a holiday, with the beautiful sun,sand and sea.

Relax.. and forget.

i took up a slice of cake. with a handful of biscuits residue i left them all over the table.

Sumptious desserts treat. It was so filling, so satisfying.

The venue was so lovely, with such romantic ambience. Candlelight dinner.

It didnt take place in any nice elegant restaurant. It ended pretty peaceful without the aching of burning a big holes in anyone’s wallet.

Because it’s all original. It’s from the bottom of the heart. It’s also the thoughts that count.

I appreciate what people have done to cheer me up. I appreciate what others have contributed to spice up my dullness life.

But sometimes.. what i need is not more than a supportive acknowledgement. To keep me going. To keep me alive.

I’m flying in 2 weeks time. Everything is ready, except for the inner me.

I feel like dropping all these.

I really do.