kJ’s paradise~

I’ve never stopped writing.

I know my fellow friends might be thinking i’m such a workaholic and have long forgotten my blog. No i have not.

A series of things have happened recently.. failure in a so-called business deal confirmation, lost some money, got cheated by a friend, etc. But there were also some good ones that balance all’em up

I did not receive much birthday pressies this year. Literally, as facebook got famous over these years i’ve been receving e-greetings and virtual gifts online. Somehow i miss those snailmails days when you were waiting eagerly for the arrival of a wish.. a card .. a gift.. from your love ones.

I still hand-write cards to my friends. I remembered how i used to send a postcard back home to someone i really love, to let him know my whereabouts and to show how beautiful a foreign place can be. Life isnt all about working and earning tonnes of money, neither it’s about enjoying life without limitation.

You just gotta sort out a balance point in between.

of all the wishlist i’ve written in my previous few posts, i’ve finally gotten a e72 instead of a e71. A silver greyish black phone, superbly high-tech (at least to me!) and keeps me connected to the world from morning to wee hours — till i fall asleep. Sometimes i feel awkward to have spent more time on a small little gadget on hand rather than kissing my beloved (oh my DOG!) and talking to her like how i used to do it.

2009 is soon to be over. In precise we are all left with exactly 20days to a brand new year. Every year i’ve been asked what’s my new year resolution? I wish. I close my eyes. I pray.

and i’ve got it materialised this November

Miracles do happen. Have faith people

It’s a new start of a brand new life. I feel great.

I might not have that much time to update my blog, till we are finally a year elder to the brand new 2010. Lets keep our fingers crossed to a better year, with love and be loved.

## Beee doesnt necessarily means bee, or b, or ABC

My last updated post was a month ago.

What have i been doing for the past one month? I wonder too.

Work. It’s all work.

I’m finally taking a break time. I was away to Singapore for a couple of days over the weekend trying to find some peaceful feeling which i’ve long lost.

The tranquility.. the serene ambience which you have just by yourself. All alone.

I woke up at 7am almost everyday when i was away. I sat at one corner. I kept everything by myself. I looked up to the beautiful sky from the window. I wondered what’s my next path.

I’ve been considering for long. Whether i should still proceed with my current career. It’s tiring, undoubtedly. I still have the passion to it, but i’m constantly looking for a change in life.

Is this what i wanna do for the rest of my life?

It still leaves a questionmark. or maybe two.

There are too many things in life which i’ve then abandoned since i’ve started my work. I couldnt feel myself anymore. I’m like a working robotic machine that works throughout day and night. Looking at the increment of income doesnt guarantee a sense of happiness. I’m still lack of something.. a sense that can touch my heart again after so long.

I wanna love you.. let me do. Please dont stop me from loving you.

and I miss you.

It’s been a long week- busy and hectic week. All about work. Looking back at my schedule, sometimes i wonder how did i ever make it to what i’ve done today. Everyday seems to have endless pending tasks, and most of the time i’m only able to hit the sack nearing to wee hours.

Not to mention waking up at 8am then to kick start my day. =.=”

Anyways, the roadshow i’m currently running is finally coming to an end. To be in precise it is ending on Monday and finally some good sleep. I’ve met lotsa people - most of them are new to me, and i’ve gotten more headache moments dealing with some of them.

There are people who are destined to be successful. There are also some people who are fated to be such a failure. Working attitute determines how one handles challenges in life. If you cant even take a part time job seriously, if your life dictionary has never gotten a ‘punctuality’ word to have existed, I think you are such a loser.

Why do people gains all the trust and confidence from others easily whilst you are still finding your path along the way? If one doesnt have the quality, or you are unable to deliver a simple task completely, i would really have doubts to hire you again in the near future.

So why bother to come to me and ask for upcoming jobs vacancy and specially mention you deserve a higher pay? [LoL] do you think i give a damn to even explain you deserve half the price of what i’m offering now if i would ever take you again?

Life. Some people are merely messing up their lives living in own imagination.

I wonder how do they survive stepping into this working world.

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On the other hand, i’ve been badly disturbed by some untruth rumours recently. There’s this chinese phrase that says dont bother to explain because rumour eventually stops (spreading) when it reaches an intellegent someone. Only foolish people randomly follows whatever others say - which i THOUGHT it could be true.

Somehow i was very wrong. Or perhaps people around me are still yet to be upgraded to ‘intellegent people’.

Not refering to all, but some of those that i know.

Things got worsen these days. Every now and then i hear things from everywhere - which people assume it will never come back to me. I’ve never been a superstitious person to go to a temple to burn more incantations and pray for my well-being thinking that life is gonna be a lot easier after this; but i just stay put to my belief and know i’m always well-protected.

And things are trying to knock me off my feet each time i’m trying to stand still. Perhaps its all challenges in life to train me a better person. What doesnt kill me, makes me stronger?

I wish i am, walking at a stable pace with someone i can rely to, holding my hands and still smiling comfortably despite whatever bad things that have happened.

It’s the support we can have for each other - though i used to long for a confession which it then ended nowhere -

i’m glad to be who i am today, with someone that i can trust and love entirely, and though life might lead us to nowhere or eventually we might have to be apart.. I still appreciate what i have today.

With you. and only you.

Have been undergoing some roller-coaster feelings recently. Emo, and cheered, then emo again, and finally feeling better till yesterday night.

Not today.

I wonder if people tends to do something cruel to others with the intention wanting to hurt, or was it a way to protect ownself.

I was down, no doubt, due to someone telling me some cruel facts about himself and us. I could accept- because i know its now my turn to endure with such outcome as i’ve always been bad to some random guys too. Somehow, when it’s my turn to be in such situation, i feel so lost.

Blog heals my heart- i have started different blog address just to express what i wanted to say, and gradually getting better. I might take long to be fully recovered, but i believe time heals.

But you.. why do you have to do it over and over again when we have finally decided to settle with a friendship? If that’s a way to drop it, i supposed you are achieving your goal. Yes, you’ve gotten what you wanted all these while. You hurt me with words, you want me to stay away from you.

You didnt want to be the bad guy who abandoned this pathetic girl here. But you chose a more cruel way to end the friendship. Does it .. really worth?

I understand your intention of not wanting to fall, though i have never understand the reason behind. Do you really think i’ve been disturbing you all the way? Does a few messages over MSN once a few months really bother you that much?

I dislike the irritating feelings which arouse within my mind. It’s circulating over and over again, asking me to give up. I’ve decided to, probably your actions just firm it up. Are you satisfied with that? Is that your final goal?

I dont hate you.. i just dont understand you. Perhaps the article which i came across some time ago was right.. some people came into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime.

You belong to the reason category.. thus you are leaving now. and will be gone soon.

I bought a goodbye card some time back- it was intended to be sent before you left in June. Somehow, now that i read back, it looks more like a goodbye to our friendship. I’ve decided not to send, i guess it carries no weight at this point of time.

It’s really over.. something that i didnt do the last time i promised myself to, has to be done now.. Firmly.

Though its hard to be executed.

Thanks for the picture. I appreciate it.

To Love doesnt need to own, To Care doesnt need to show.

I finally understand this phrase today. I was behind the door for 1.5 hours just to watch him sleeping soundly. I wanted to show how much i care by walking forward, but no, i know once i’ve done so, there’s no turning back.

I dont want to ignite his emotions. I dont want to fight. I just want to know if the surgery turns well, if he’s able to walk again, if everything is fine with him.

I waited, and waited. Till everyone was gone. I saw someone who looks alike him walked out, that must be the brother i thought! and friends, and colleagues. and they gently shut the door, no i was lucky! It wasnt closed tightly. I pushed it open.. and i saw him. Lying so helplessly on the bed.

He couldnt move. He could barely turn. He opened his eyes for that 0.1 second, my heart stopped pounding for a decade. Will he see me? No i dont intend to show up this time. No.. please dont. But he closed his eyes, though a great sense of dissappointment flooded my empty heart.

He looked so weak. I walked near him after 1.5 hours behind of the door. He was snoring mildly. He was sleeping so soundly. He must have been tired after that dragful 6 hours surgery. The long wait worths all my efforts to see the whole course turned well.

He was cold. I could see him shivered.. but what can i do? No i cant be like the famous actress who always pull a blanket over the handsome actor in the drama series.�I couldnt keep him awake. I wanted to touch his face. I wanted to read what was written by his doctor on the diagnosis board.. but i just couldnt take my eyes off him.

It might be my last time to see him. I respect his decision and we both have to let go the friendship. It’s the most painful thing i’ve ever done in life. We are back to strangers after this..

Will we take years to recover? Will we be back in town after some thousand years of apart? Will he still be keeping his promise? Will i.. Will you.. There are so many predictions but none of them is true until i see them being truth.

But no.. I’ve learnt to let go. I’ve learnt to bless you with my love and wishes… though secretly, but willingly.

A warm goodbye to someone who means to much, hope all your things will turn out fine, and hope we will stay in touch. Friendship is a promise, two people come to share, to be there for each other, no matter when or where, and through life’s endless changes, the slow ones and the swift, the friend that you can count on is a blessing and a gift!

You were once the gift.. you were the blessing. But now i could only send you all these, underneath the trees.

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Please get well soon.

and the reason is finally here..

it’s heart breaking to find out the truth. But it’s all well-expected as i’ve gotten the exact same thing two years ago.

Two years, if it should happen we wouldnt have to wait until now in this moment. But you’ve locked up your heart. You banned the whole world from walking near you. You rejected people who wished to help, you blocked anyone else who tried to take over her place.

Thus resulted in such punishment to yourself? I dont understand.

If you’ve missed someone in life,�& know that you will never be able to get her back despite whatever hardwork you�are putting in, be�death the reason to tear you�two apart, or�will you proceed with the misery which caught you so off-guarded. Or starting to treasure people around you in life?

I chose the latter. But i’ve overestimated what life has shaped us into. It’s no longer within what we can control. What we have lost, what we are gaining, and the thoughts.

Friendship is a promise two person come to share, to be there for each other, no matter when or where, and through life’s endless changes; the slow one and the swift, the friend that you can count on is a blessing and a gift!

I am having some friends who are with me, and still with me. Thank you for all your support.. i will be fine to walk through this.

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I’ve been emo today. It’s the one year death anniversary of my previous dog, Lucky boy on the 9th of May, which was on a fine Friday last year.

The emo which was eating me up slowly couldnt fade over time, i know how i�wet my pillows in the middle of the night missing him so badly. I remember how i spent days taking care of him, skipping work to go to UPM Vet, how he vomited in wee hours right next to me, i couldnt even walk away or keep my eyes off him. I was so scared- within that split second he’s gone.. he’s gone.

I also remember how i sent him to the vet, left him hospitalised. Before i left, he turned back to look at me. His sight was so innocent. For once, he never wanted to follow me home. All these while whenever i go, he will be following me or crazily barking if i walk out of his sight.

But no, not that particular time. It looked like a good bye to me - but i really never gotten the chance to say goodbye after the last glance he gave.

There are things in life which are irreplaceable. We tried hard to mend, but in vain. When we thought we have gotten, we didnt bother to treasure. Once we lost, we regret.

There’s no point to mourne over an unchangeable fact or tragedy, for it hurts for the alive, it hurts the people around the alive.�We could reminiscent memories flooding in, we could sweetly taste the aftercase outcome, or sadly, bitterness; but it shall never be an obstacle in life to cause one from stop moving forward.

I have a new dog now. But i’ve never forgotten the previous. Just that i’ve learnt to let go the past, & treasure this moment. What we have in life is short, i shouldnt be grieving over the past, the wasted years i’ve had in life.

Nobody knows what causes your maimed heart. I dont think i’m ever given the chance to find out, though i’ve never stop trying. Each day in life i’m looking forward to some bonus, though it all end up with the same disappointment. After yesterday, i suddenly realised; if i was given the honour it could have been much earlier. Or at least, there should be a sign from you, that the wait is all paid.

There’s no need of me to try so hard to explore, but keep on getting the failure�over such long period of time. It could have been a hint when i saw your ring, which was never existed over times that i know you. A ring, what does a ring mean to a guy? Dont tell me it brings different meaning depending on the wearer’s intention, or rather, which finger the ring is fit into; i would believe it’s a obvious sign from you, that you’ve finally unlocked yourself out of the place, but no, i am still not the one who owns the key.

Of two reasons i found, best to explain why you were responsive to my texts, i’ve finally learnt to accept the second, which is, you have never loved me. But you are selfish, you want to keep me by your side to continue loving you. You dont know how to tell me a ‘No’ to tell me off, you wish i could love you forever but you dont have to bear a single responsibilities.

Hence you never take the courage to walk forward. You never wanted to fall for me. You enjoy my companion to continue loving you, but you refuse to shower me back the same feeling.

2 years. What have 2 years brought us into. Sometimes i wished�i could turn back time, and i could save a lot of time and energy, without needing to meet so many wrong persons, without getting into so much troubles. If its only you, who saved me out of all these when we first met. But i remember how you told me about your maimed heart, and not trusting into any relationships, which then made me felt your loneliness. I thought i felt something from your eyes- but at this point of time, i suddenly realise it was only me who’s naive; Who is.. dumb.

Each time you come online, my heart beats a thousand. Though we dont talk in MSN. Though you never really chat to me nor communicating in emails, though you’ve changed your blog to a new address and refuse to let me know, though.. there is so much of ‘although’, i still have that feelings for you till this point of time.

You have not answered my question. Or will you just ignore.. and leave me here suffering.

I’m tired. and wanting to start a new life. I feel the need to have a brand new life. If you are not thinking to be in the picture.. please make it clear. Please tell me you have not loved me since the first day we know each other, i will be in silence to cure my�maimed heart.

I will.. I will.

A number, that represents the incident.

It’s Labour Day- which mean its a holiday. I just came back from a holiday in Bali. Very nice place, very serene at night, i could feel the peace surrounding me accompanying my sleep. When was the last time i had such a sleep.

I lost count of it.

The feeling is still fresh how we were talking, i felt your existance right next to me. No you werent there with me in Bali. But everywhere i went, food that i ate, places that i visited, surfing trips that i was diving into, i could feel you.

I sent out a postcard. I wondered if you received it? No it doesnt matter anymore.�I didnt even write my sign-off. But i remembered clearly i told ya�i will be off to Bali. So when you have it, if there’s this tiny winy image of me in your mind, i’m sure you dont need to find hard to finally understand i’ve been here, and have never left.

It’s May. It’s a nice place with hot sun in a nice month middle of the year. I was sitting at the beachfront, fell into deep thoughts of so much things which were too random, and having the breeze gently touching my cheeks to wipe off the tears. Was it love? It’s just yesterday that it all happened, what have i grown into?

I dont know, i really dont.

If Timor Leste is�your destination, what’s mine …

I closed my eyes. and the breeze, dried up my tears to say good night.

I’m tired over things. over lotsa things that have been around us.

You went disappeared for some time. for quite some time which i’ve lost count - i never heard a word. I’ve chosen to be silent. I’ve learnt not to count the days, i reckon you would still come back to me.

Disappointment surrounds me on & off. I hate it especially times that i�recall it was sleepless nights to remember how sweet you were to me, despite wee hours you were still awake to talk to me.

cw said i was naive.�Guys tend to remember the girls who like them, and calling them on and off to chat merely for the sake of reminding them his existance. Guys are afraid of losing. They just want the girls to stay, but never intended to hold the hearts.

Is this selfish thoughts real? Even if it is, it’s the girls who have decided to stay, they are still the one who’s making decision emotionally!

sigh. i’m just getting emo again.

i got a call from him after ages. after like, more than half a year? We havent been talking much. Even if we did, it’s some random MSN chats, no subjects, no contents. It was so random that i couldnt even remember how did it happen.

But it triggers some memories, it’s about how we met, how in a way i felt we got close, but he left without saying a word. How things turned really bad, how i was being ignored.

It’s some heartbreaking moments. But i guess i could have walked over stronger, without all the distractions.

Yes, i should have made up my mind much earlier. It’s over, there’s no way to turn back.

The feeling was strong, but not now anymore.

i know, its not now anymore.

It’s time to change all my passwords from his name to something new. It’s the right time now

I dont hear a word from you. For quite long.

Perhaps it’s a norm. Right from the beginning i should have known its destined to be such way.

No i’m not emo, i know you are reading this. Just wanna reassure you i aint feeling melancholy.

If this is how two lives are meant to be in order to accommodatate, i have this feeling that i’m born to be single.

I’m tired of waiting. Tired. I dont like to guess but i have to bear with it.

How should one be when you are stuck in a dilemma.

I’ve gotten enough news of those. Can i not be in the picture, please?

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