kJ’s paradise~

when was the last time i had a good write on things that have been happening around me?

I guess.. long time ago.

It’s Chinese Lunar New Year. I was supposed to be a joyous mood collecting angpao(s) from everywhere, yet i’m just here at home rotting myself out.

I lost the sense of ‘writing’ again after so long.

things have been good around me. of course, i had have some ups and downs over the last 2 months. I’ve gotten what i’ve been wishing for, materializing almost every single wish, but…

there’s just something which is missing.

the feeling.

have i ever mentioned i’ve always been alone during valentine’s day? on actual day itself i go to swim, have a good pedi and medicure, do some shopping and spend money that i’ll never do if i’m sane on normal days. but this time it’s first day of lunar new year. i have to then spend some time with relatives, entertaining them like a clown to smile for the sake of that few bucks angpao. honestly i don’t give a damn. how much can that few bucks change my life and why do i needa wish them a million times ‘gong hei fatt choy’ as if i was begging for that angpao?

i was waiting for someone to be in KL today. i was expecting the arrival around evening, but only to know plan has been changed, the very last minute. so i fall back to my lovely bed, trying to figure out what can i do this lazy afternoon.

remember i said i hate myself? (in the last few posts i remember i did). sometimes i hate myself, and i’m in a mood again NOW not to love who i am. such melancholic character i have. i dislike what happened yesterday, i regretted over the things i’ve done. i remember how i swear not to repeat the same mistake, not do be involved in the same mistake i once did.

but i just did it again. over and over again.

maybe it’s not meant to be forgiven. if i was born in the early Japanese era, i probably will need to commit suicide as an apology.

luckily i’m not. and i seriously appreciate my life for being alive.

i need some encouragement to get over all these. i really need.

but i’m still at a crossroad, crying over spilled milk which i will remember this lesson the rest of my life.

sometimes i hate myself.

but most of the time i’m loving who i am.

I have the confidence in me. I know how to bring the best out of me.

but not today.

i’m just in the ’sometimes’ mood.

The sky seems grey. rainy times i guess.

and i’ve never hated myself so much like how i’ve been disliking what fault i’ve done all these while.

Has been a while since i really wrote something.. meaningful. Perhaps every single thing in my life has been so meaningful that i dont even know how to pen them down - or perhaps, they were so insignificant that i lead my life sa routine as how it is everyday.

Am away from KL to work- will be going home this evening. Tomorrow till Sunday will be public holidays (supposed to be a Yeah!) but i have tonnes of work awaiting to be settled. Daddy is suggesting to go for a family trip. So the moment i’m back to my comfy bed i will have to be away again - is that gonna be a relaxing trip? Or just a gate-away physically but my mind is all set onto work.

Perhaps i’m no longer that little girl who sits to wait for traveling opportunities. I used to be always longing for holidays, backpackings, etc. But i have my liabilities now, i have my concern when i’m away. Not only that i miss my work - though i sound like a workaholic, but yeah, i always complain about my work but i still enjoy every single minute of it. Perhaps i still have the passion in it. I dont know.

We are always flooded with choices to make. Whether it’s gonna be a good or bad one, or wisely to say correct or wrong, who should be there to judge? I made a choice a while ago, though it was a heartaching one, and i guess i can maintain it till it lasts, but on-off i still have doubts onto that. Is that what i want? Though i know it’s a definite NO, but the situation doesnt allow me to go any further. I have to choose to let go.. aching saying a goodbye to someone i love.

Some people say it’s hard to understand what women are thinking. You know, you constantly have to guess because we are a constant changing creature. People say women change their minds every minute. Guys do, dont you think so? Perhaps we girls express them out. I see the need of an effective communication thus we voice out our opinions. Guys, however, might not easily show their emotions. They hide most of the things in heart but probably acting the other way around. And that’s how we pull each other away, further away, and finally a goodbye.

I’ve always been a very emotional person. If you’ve known me well enough, yes i listen to just emo songs/musics. I let my emotions settle to the most peaceful pace and probably, i drop a few tears to release my tension. But that doesnt mean i’m weak. Musics bring back most of my best memories in life, be it a happy ending or no, i cry for a reason.

I’m currently listening to What dreams are made of (ballad version). Found it on youtube, originally someone introduced this song to me via msn. He was telling me about this another blog which plays this as a background music, and we searched it through google and found this piece of artwork. It’s always this song that i feel him with me, i smile to every single challenge ahead though some seem to be an obstacle in life. When he’s away i listen to this song and cry.. not that i miss him so much, but even if he’s here i dont get much chance to meet him either. It’s a great sense of sharing feeling, we used to share so much (or perhaps just me?) and i have so much of my feelings being relied onto him just by chating.

He’s gone. Some people came into your life for a reason, they come and go because their task is done, They were here to help you out and though you’ve been really grateful and wanted to pay back with whatever you can, you will never have such chance. You might also be a reason of entering someone else’s life, but as it’s always a rotating routine, you leave people’s life without saying a word.

There’s no happy ending to it.

We hardly get a lifetime friend. I mean, you are not at your old age to say you’ve led a great life with someone, but if you do, appreciate them. I appreciate all my friends who come in for a ‘reason’ or ’season’, though they come and go i know it’s time to move on. How many times can you think back of your past and still feel great to have such companion?

I’m trying to keep my every single promise i’ve made. Though i fail and sometimes i dont even remember, but there are certain major ones that people seem to remember and still feel grate that i was with them when they needed me. Thanks for reminding me It’s a best way to cheer me up when i’m lost at such crossroad.

Just feeling a bit emo, for no reason. I’ll be fine, people Dont worry too much. The Kj that you all have known is still the same, i’ve never too drastic changes. Perhaps gradually evolving to be a better person .. i hope it’s really being a better one.

I feel weak. Suddenly. There’s just one thing which had just happened this morning ruined all my plans.

Yes people. I’m back to KL.

and never did i know the moment i’m back, my LuckyGirl falls sick.

She’s now having similar symptoms to what my previous LuckyBoy was experiencing just before he died from kidney failure last year on the 9th of May, not taking a single bit of food since 12 hours ago. She barely drinks a mouthful of water like what she normally does, because that only leads to the result of puking non stop as if her gastric is really gasy.

This is Lucky when she’s in a mood to play. I was too tired to actually accompany her so i had to put her in a pail! She has no way to climb out! lol

Her vomitus is all bubblish fluid despite the fact that she hasnt been taking any food nor drinks. She looks weak, but she still barks at random strangers once a while who comes near my house.

As i pen this down, it’s been 12 hours since the first puking. She’s also experiencing diarrhoea. Brought her to the vet in Cheras this evening, just as i reached at 5pm sharp i was told the charges of consultation fee will be RM100 instead of the normal RM30 because it’s now 5pm. (wtf?) I conformed to it. What to do, she’s my only baby. If RM70 difference can bring her back to a healthier condition i dont mind doing so.

See how she sleeps comfortably when she knows the best bed on earth is my leg!

i saw the agony in her eyes when she had to be ‘cucuk’ twice, yeah gotta undergo 2 different types of injection to stabilize her condition. Vet said it might be due to food-poisoning, or it could be kidney failure as Schnauzer breed is very prone to such disease. She looked at me pitifully, probably wondering why would i send her to such place to kena cucuk on both her thighs.

Brought her to MidValley after visiting the vet. I still had to work though my whole afternoon plan was ruined. She was quite cooperative, didnt bark at anyone, and sat quietly in her cage. That’s pretty unusual to have happened on a schnauzer breed, if you know what i meant.

Can you spot which is her head and which is the tail? The two white patch is actually her hands! her head is just next to the white container. And yes, you are right! it’s terbalik. This is how she sleeps.

For a moment i really wished she was barking crazily at random strangers and i had to try calming her down by pacifying her in whatever ways, though i might look really distress or fugly but that would mean she’s in her normal + perfect condition! but no, i was half disappointed because she was rather quiet, but also gratified that she didnt bring much troubles.

Sigh. what a dilemma.

She still pukes every now and then. Like i’ve said, no ‘input’ but there’s quite some fluid output. Sigh. I have to constantly apply some water onto her tongue just in case she gets dehydrated. She’s quite reluctant to drink water probably having a phobia of throwing things out from her throat.

Just feeling emo and down. There’s no one that i can really share this to, i dont know who i can talk to.

Anyone can cheer me up please? I can’t even concentrate to work now

Got some really important tasks these two days but i cant even pick up pieces of mind from everywhere. Not even writing a good article i felt like i was just being random.

=(

Some pictures of LuckyGirl the last few months.

She likes to scare me by looking up to the air, sometime middle of the night and start howling. Yes, for no reason! 

 and when i dont give a damn she realises her trick doenst pull through, she sleeps and ignore all others.

Baby, please get well soon. The blood test results will be out tomorrow morning and i’m really worried. I have no idea how i am gonna pull through tonight by just looking at you .. i pray for your health and safety. Please be well, and dont leave me so sudden like what your ‘koko’ did earlier.

=(

Loving you,

KJ cheche

What dreams are made of ..

It’s supposed to be meant for the title.

There are a lot of version of such song over youtube. Obviously the most famous one now is by Hilary Duff. I personally prefer the Ballad version, very soothing, very soft.

Got to know this song through a blog’s background music recommended by a friend. Was just listening it as one of the soul-calming music, but never did i expect that it soon turned to be such a song that can easily ‘emotionalify’ me.

I could listen to it over and over again. Fall into deep thoughts. Sink into my own memories in life. Be it sweet or bitter, or even sour, it’s all mine.

And today, i was really stressed at work. Things came in all in once and i wasnt even ready for all. Yes i hate to meet deadlines especially last minute requests, but i know i need to survive in such working environment else i will just get disqualified out of the game.

It finally exploded after i put on this song on my player. I teared.

and i decided to take a break to go out for a yummy pint of Baskin Robbins’ 31st of the month’s discount of 31% on his favourite Rum and Raisins flavour ice cream.

Looking out of the shop, i see cars. i see hundreds of people walking up and down, its off office hours. I begin to think what have i been doing in life. Such a hectic life i’m undergoing. Does it all worth, i wonder. What do i get in return, does monetary return brings satisfatory or was it a proud sense of achivement which i’m longing for.

I feel lost. Though i’m not getting any answers, the workload in the office awaits and i know i still have to conform to it.

I wouldnt have another 31st of the month in this year of 2009 to sit down eating BR ice cream in such a serenity. I love the tranquilness of such, but i hate the loneliness that accompanies the coming.

I sighed. Walked out, feeling satisfied, heading back to the contradictable disorderly mess in office.

Another long night for me.

-KJ-

I’m not even in a mood to write a single thing. But i just want to say that i’m depressed.

For no reason.

Maybe there’s one. But i couldnt even judge if that was the reason why am i feeeling so down. So lost.

I love facebook for a reason. But that’s also the reason why i hated it so much now. It’s a portal for socialization purpose, but it also brought out some facts to your realisation if it’s meant to be a lie.

I remember last year (or was it even longer) that i heard about such joke (or was it real too?), that the Mr someone was about to get married in a month time. He was thinking to celebrate a few more bachelor’s night with different gang of friends. So he went without informing the fiancee. Coming home denying that he hang out with some hot random chics in night clubs, his fiancee then found his pictures over facebook with his face tagged by them.

Cant recall if that spoilt the marriage plan but i supposed no. But look, these are the consequences ahead if you have been soaking in the facebook world for some time.

Yeah. I logged in and found some random things. Maybe it was my fault and i shouldnt be checking things out. But its out of curiousity and never did i realise i will be able to find ‘truth’ beneath.

So i’ve been depressed for the past two days. Went out to swim trying to de-stress, it helped a lil for that split seconds but not when i’m home again.

Wishing if there’s someone who can cheer me up. But the more people are asking me ‘How are you’ it just reminded me of how unwell i am. I dont want to say I’m fine when i’m clearly not, but most people out there aren’t helping much but just wanting to know your stories.

When all the unwell added up they defeated me so strongly that i couldnt even breathe. Like what i wrote in my facebook shoutouts, This world brought me down, crashed me to the floor and stomped on me; Let me down, turned its back and walked away to leave me lay on the cold hard ground.

I am having the same feeling. But i dont have anyone to turn to.

I wish i’m enjoying a holiday, with the beautiful sun,sand and sea.

Relax.. and forget.

*edited*

I started this post earlier, like about a week ago, but didnt know how to continue. It’s like so many things that i can write about, to share my opinions and thoughts, but the next second it just vanish in the air like i’ve never even have such thought.

Was wanting to write about a long-distance-relationship that i’ve known with this couple which last for 9 years.. neither long nor short period of time. What has time shaped the couple into? The environment changed, the feelings, the love, the worldview, the culture.. so many more.

But then again, i’m in no position to write things about LDR. How do you define LDR? Long could be a very far distance which is only accesible via flights across the straits, or even further across the oceans.  It could also mean different States the couple stay in, but generally, it means a relationship which sustains in the endurance of unable to meet that often.

Of 100 cases i’ve met, i guess you know the outcome. It turns sour after a couple of years, or even just months. How many people out there can bear with the fact that distance kills? Why is that?

We live in a totally different world. We see different things everyday. We meet our colleagues/friends, we share the ups and downs in life with the people around us. But when the dearest to you isnt right next to you, do you still have the exact same feeling which you were undergoing the evening before with some lame jokes while you are now sharing it over Skype?

*post edited again*

i’m just emo, dont quite feel like / not knowing how to resume the writing.

‘你相信天长地久的爱情吗’

‘天长地久不是以时日来计算，长的，可以是一辈子，但却无法让人懂得去爱。短的，哪怕是一阵子，也可以很刻骨铭心地让人心甘情愿去守着一个诺言’。

It gives me the inspiration i need.. i want .. and have been searching for.

 * on the other note, something is wrong with my blog comments moderation. sorry to all my friends if you see your previous comments have been removed- wasnt my fault- i could see it in the moderation column though i’ve approved- and it’s still not being displayed. Thank you everyone for your kind concern

Quite some things have been completed as per scheduled.

Felt the sense of achievement. Seriously, i do. There were times that i felt so defeated when i couldnt finish my work or tasks. The pressure that i got was enormous. So strong that i couldnt even breathe.

Perhaps my emotions swing like a roller coaster. I need more time to adapt to it before i could react onto anything- but it changes so quick in that blink of second merely because of certain issues that arise.

It’s 4th of June today. Exactly 2 years ago on this date, i was struggling should i go to work in TAR College for their IT Roadshow- as i was thinking for a nice sleep in the morning instead of that incompatible pay offered by the agent. Yeah i was still�a student back then. I worked to earn - and was able to sustain myself. Since i was on holiday, i decided to just go over.

It was a small booth which i was stationed at.�I just did my part as an event promoter to represent my client’s brand. When it’s almost 5pm, i was excited as it’s time to go home. Someone came to me to ask for my number, i remembered all others were calling me Mr. Boss. He said he would hire me again if there’s other roadshow, he’s the marketing manager he claimed. I asked for his number. But no, he didnt offer. So i thought, ok that’s alright too. If he really wanted me to work, he would call me eventually.

On the last day of the event, he hid behind of the counter under the speaker to call me. I�answered to�an unknown number, with that someone asking ‘Hey why did you pick up calls while working?’ Obviously i got to find him under the speaker. That was funny though. I remembered. We laughed over it and he told me I can have his number- thats the reason�why he called. He looked much younger than his age. Very much. I found him humorous. He’s witty. He’s got the something i thought i was long looking for, from someone that i’ve been waiting but eventually left…

Obviously we didnt keep in touch after work. Once a while i received his call, with some lame questions like whether i touched his pda during the roadshow because he found my name saved under his contacts with the ‘anniversary date’ or so- No i dont know much about pda. I was using my SE k700i and there’s no need to set such kind of things under contacts. But i thought.. you know, i thought he’s getting some topics to chat about.

Girls’ instinct could always fail. We are not always right. At least, i’ve been wrong, so wrong over these 2 years.

On the day�i had to work late night, i requested if he could come to accompany me. He came, of course�i was happy. The next day which i had to work in Zouk, he was nice enough to pick me up in noon though he’s working and sent me home after midnight. Probably he’s been nice to every single girl that he knows - i aint sure. But obviously that gave me and led me to a situation that i thought, there was chances between us.

I really thought so.

But i was wrong. Very wrong.

Just after he told me we could only be friends, i was disappointed.�I started to drink a lil, i wanted to pick up smoking again. But there’s no need to be sad or mourning over someone who doesnt appreciate you. I love myself, i’m sure i can stand up strong.

Then i made the most-wrongful-choice in my life. Since then, i gave up entirely. I was constantly living a miserable life. I didnt want to care what happened, what were the consequences ahead, what would life lead me to. I took things as they came, i let them off when they had to leave. I didnt treasure my life. My friends. The people around me. I let myself drown in some disasters and didnt want to face the outcome..

and i left. I left without saying a word.

I came back with some shits still, hanging half way which left unsettled. I then got myself into some troubles again.. again and again. I suddenly realised, over the year, exactly a year i hadnt done much. I was only wasting time. I took my one whole year trying to forget, but i failed. I was still at the exact same position where i was a year ago, i hadnt move forward, even a step.

I started to focus in work. I tried not to think too much. I tried not to let the past disturb my thoughts, but i was getting a lil more emo. I could easily drop tears. I was so badly affected by such incident. I felt spiritless. I felt down almost every night. I tried ways to hypnotize myself, i even tried to practically use what i’ve learnt in my theoritical class back in University times.

All in vain. all in vain…

It’s again, 4th of June. Exactly 2 years ago on this date, we became friends. Over the last 2 years, things happened around us seemed to be like a dream. I woke up from my dreams, realising that i havent been living in real, whilst you’ve left all these behind to live your life.

And after these 2 years, exactly on this date, you said we can be friends again, and we shall merely remain as friends�but never lovers. I took 2 years to come back to where we started, if we had made this clear and i could wake up from my dreams much earlier- we wouldnt need to go through all these to come back to the starting point. There’s never a cross between our lines, we were and will be safely walking on two straight lines heading to two ends… two different ends which shall never met.

If only, life is with no regrets.. I have no regrets loving you, but will stop doing so on the date we become friends again. It’s a promise i made to you, I shall keep it full-heartedly.

If one day i realize i cant do so anymore, with the agony of still loving you but unable to have you, i will leave.. i will still leave with no regrets.

To love is to surpass oneself. I think i did, have you?

Take care my friend. Please take care.

Have been undergoing some roller-coaster feelings recently. Emo, and cheered, then emo again, and finally feeling better till yesterday night.

Not today.

I wonder if people tends to do something cruel to others with the intention wanting to hurt, or was it a way to protect ownself.

I was down, no doubt, due to someone telling me some cruel facts about himself and us. I could accept- because i know its now my turn to endure with such outcome as i’ve always been bad to some random guys too. Somehow, when it’s my turn to be in such situation, i feel so lost.

Blog heals my heart- i have started different blog address just to express what i wanted to say, and gradually getting better. I might take long to be fully recovered, but i believe time heals.

But you.. why do you have to do it over and over again when we have finally decided to settle with a friendship? If that’s a way to drop it, i supposed you are achieving your goal. Yes, you’ve gotten what you wanted all these while. You hurt me with words, you want me to stay away from you.

You didnt want to be the bad guy who abandoned this pathetic girl here. But you chose a more cruel way to end the friendship. Does it .. really worth?

I understand your intention of not wanting to fall, though i have never understand the reason behind. Do you really think i’ve been disturbing you all the way? Does a few messages over MSN once a few months really bother you that much?

I dislike the irritating feelings which arouse within my mind. It’s circulating over and over again, asking me to give up. I’ve decided to, probably your actions just firm it up. Are you satisfied with that? Is that your final goal?

I dont hate you.. i just dont understand you. Perhaps the article which i came across some time ago was right.. some people came into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime.

You belong to the reason category.. thus you are leaving now. and will be gone soon.

I bought a goodbye card some time back- it was intended to be sent before you left in June. Somehow, now that i read back, it looks more like a goodbye to our friendship. I’ve decided not to send, i guess it carries no weight at this point of time.

It’s really over.. something that i didnt do the last time i promised myself to, has to be done now.. Firmly.

Though its hard to be executed.

Thanks for the picture. I appreciate it.

To Love doesnt need to own, To Care doesnt need to show.

I finally understand this phrase today. I was behind the door for 1.5 hours just to watch him sleeping soundly. I wanted to show how much i care by walking forward, but no, i know once i’ve done so, there’s no turning back.

I dont want to ignite his emotions. I dont want to fight. I just want to know if the surgery turns well, if he’s able to walk again, if everything is fine with him.

I waited, and waited. Till everyone was gone. I saw someone who looks alike him walked out, that must be the brother i thought! and friends, and colleagues. and they gently shut the door, no i was lucky! It wasnt closed tightly. I pushed it open.. and i saw him. Lying so helplessly on the bed.

He couldnt move. He could barely turn. He opened his eyes for that 0.1 second, my heart stopped pounding for a decade. Will he see me? No i dont intend to show up this time. No.. please dont. But he closed his eyes, though a great sense of dissappointment flooded my empty heart.

He looked so weak. I walked near him after 1.5 hours behind of the door. He was snoring mildly. He was sleeping so soundly. He must have been tired after that dragful 6 hours surgery. The long wait worths all my efforts to see the whole course turned well.

He was cold. I could see him shivered.. but what can i do? No i cant be like the famous actress who always pull a blanket over the handsome actor in the drama series.�I couldnt keep him awake. I wanted to touch his face. I wanted to read what was written by his doctor on the diagnosis board.. but i just couldnt take my eyes off him.

It might be my last time to see him. I respect his decision and we both have to let go the friendship. It’s the most painful thing i’ve ever done in life. We are back to strangers after this..

Will we take years to recover? Will we be back in town after some thousand years of apart? Will he still be keeping his promise? Will i.. Will you.. There are so many predictions but none of them is true until i see them being truth.

But no.. I’ve learnt to let go. I’ve learnt to bless you with my love and wishes… though secretly, but willingly.

A warm goodbye to someone who means to much, hope all your things will turn out fine, and hope we will stay in touch. Friendship is a promise, two people come to share, to be there for each other, no matter when or where, and through life’s endless changes, the slow ones and the swift, the friend that you can count on is a blessing and a gift!

You were once the gift.. you were the blessing. But now i could only send you all these, underneath the trees.

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Please get well soon.