kJ’s paradise~

What dreams are made of ..

It’s supposed to be meant for the title.

There are a lot of version of such song over youtube. Obviously the most famous one now is by Hilary Duff. I personally prefer the Ballad version, very soothing, very soft.

Got to know this song through a blog’s background music recommended by a friend. Was just listening it as one of the soul-calming music, but never did i expect that it soon turned to be such a song that can easily ‘emotionalify’ me.

I could listen to it over and over again. Fall into deep thoughts. Sink into my own memories in life. Be it sweet or bitter, or even sour, it’s all mine.

And today, i was really stressed at work. Things came in all in once and i wasnt even ready for all. Yes i hate to meet deadlines especially last minute requests, but i know i need to survive in such working environment else i will just get disqualified out of the game.

It finally exploded after i put on this song on my player. I teared.

and i decided to take a break to go out for a yummy pint of Baskin Robbins’ 31st of the month’s discount of 31% on his favourite Rum and Raisins flavour ice cream.

Looking out of the shop, i see cars. i see hundreds of people walking up and down, its off office hours. I begin to think what have i been doing in life. Such a hectic life i’m undergoing. Does it all worth, i wonder. What do i get in return, does monetary return brings satisfatory or was it a proud sense of achivement which i’m longing for.

I feel lost. Though i’m not getting any answers, the workload in the office awaits and i know i still have to conform to it.

I wouldnt have another 31st of the month in this year of 2009 to sit down eating BR ice cream in such a serenity. I love the tranquilness of such, but i hate the loneliness that accompanies the coming.

I sighed. Walked out, feeling satisfied, heading back to the contradictable disorderly mess in office.

Another long night for me.

-KJ-

I’m not even in a mood to write a single thing. But i just want to say that i’m depressed.

For no reason.

Maybe there’s one. But i couldnt even judge if that was the reason why am i feeeling so down. So lost.

I love facebook for a reason. But that’s also the reason why i hated it so much now. It’s a portal for socialization purpose, but it also brought out some facts to your realisation if it’s meant to be a lie.

I remember last year (or was it even longer) that i heard about such joke (or was it real too?), that the Mr someone was about to get married in a month time. He was thinking to celebrate a few more bachelor’s night with different gang of friends. So he went without informing the fiancee. Coming home denying that he hang out with some hot random chics in night clubs, his fiancee then found his pictures over facebook with his face tagged by them.

Cant recall if that spoilt the marriage plan but i supposed no. But look, these are the consequences ahead if you have been soaking in the facebook world for some time.

Yeah. I logged in and found some random things. Maybe it was my fault and i shouldnt be checking things out. But its out of curiousity and never did i realise i will be able to find ‘truth’ beneath.

So i’ve been depressed for the past two days. Went out to swim trying to de-stress, it helped a lil for that split seconds but not when i’m home again.

Wishing if there’s someone who can cheer me up. But the more people are asking me ‘How are you’ it just reminded me of how unwell i am. I dont want to say I’m fine when i’m clearly not, but most people out there aren’t helping much but just wanting to know your stories.

When all the unwell added up they defeated me so strongly that i couldnt even breathe. Like what i wrote in my facebook shoutouts, This world brought me down, crashed me to the floor and stomped on me; Let me down, turned its back and walked away to leave me lay on the cold hard ground.

I am having the same feeling. But i dont have anyone to turn to.

I wish i’m enjoying a holiday, with the beautiful sun,sand and sea.

Relax.. and forget.

i took up a slice of cake. with a handful of biscuits residue i left them all over the table.

Sumptious desserts treat. It was so filling, so satisfying.

The venue was so lovely, with such romantic ambience. Candlelight dinner.

It didnt take place in any nice elegant restaurant. It ended pretty peaceful without the aching of burning a big holes in anyone’s wallet.

Because it’s all original. It’s from the bottom of the heart. It’s also the thoughts that count.

I appreciate what people have done to cheer me up. I appreciate what others have contributed to spice up my dullness life.

But sometimes.. what i need is not more than a supportive acknowledgement. To keep me going. To keep me alive.

I’m flying in 2 weeks time. Everything is ready, except for the inner me.

I feel like dropping all these.

I really do.

such a mess. the event was such a mess.

The crew didnt get to give me a walkie-talkie to keep me updated. But i was expected to calculate the timing. The crowd went crazy the moment she landed, pushing each other like a packed-sardine tin.

I think i was the most panic person on earth that moment. Wasnt anything about chasing after a big star, but rather, i wasnt able to deliver my work. I wasnt able to send the girls up the stage.

And that very last moment- yes, they got up! I was relief. Went to the backstage, the other 10 werent able to make their ways there! and the buckets of drinks which they were supposed to be parading the products havent been delivered in time too.

Another panic attack.

Checked, the bar said it’s been sent. The fact was that there’s no stocks behind. What do i do now?

Sigh. Events. Kelam-kabut.

And there’s always someone who has to take the blame.

Hopefully not me. zzz

I woke up having a nightmare.. i know its the post-Lamia effect.

No, i wasnt terrified by any of the scenes in that hell movie. I’ve never gotten such post-movie pressure.

Something was wrong with me. I couldnt really breathe. Each breath i inhaled i felt it as heavy as a 10kg weight lifter, but i was constantly exhaling and found it suffocating to catch the next breathe.

C said i was living in denial. For the past one week. Was i? I only remembered the bits of here and there about work, what stress i had to undergo over the weekend. I hate contracted invoice. I hate quotation that comes with terms and conditions which i had to sign else i will loose it.

And the one and only reason was merely for the sake of income. Better income.

I was randomly viewing some profiles online. One caught my eyes. A really beautiful lady. She’s attached to a guy with the exact same name as his. Was that the same person? Could the world be so small that i finally get to see who the girl is?

My heart was pounding.. i moved the mouse cursor over.. hesitated if i should click.

But i gave up.

Looked at his, i saw the first line, was a sentence with love and concern.

I smiled. I was suprised i still smiled.

I’m finally over.. over with him

23 days to a gate-away. Hopefully its not just a passport-stamp-collecting trip.

Lurvess. and please bear with my randomness.

今天心情莫名的低落。是你看医生的日子。

我没有勇气去问你。看见你上线我就马上离开了。

逃避不是最好的抉择。但离开你的生活范围， 减少自己和你对话的机会，比较容易让自己的心复原。

你好吗。

天长地久是我相信的东西。那是缘分。但也是会在一瞬间消失。

想念是无止境的。思念的泪水犹如败坏了的水龙头，狂泻不止。

有时很生气自己不能把持那一丁点儿的矜持。。 但却敌不过听你声音的诱惑。

已经决定了，为何还徘徊不去。我恨自己的懦弱。

倒数是最残忍的结局。但我既经走到尽头，放开自己，会是放开别人最好的抉择。

我真的要走了。

合上眼睛的那一霎那。。我想起你的笑容。

感到很平静。

-凯嘉-

You looked at me and asked ‘What’s wrong?’. I said ‘Nothing’. With the quick turn to the back my eyes were filled with tears.. and i whispered ‘Everything’.

Maybe we weren’t meant to be, Maybe it was all a lie. Maybe you didnt love me, Maybe that’s the reason i cried.

Sometimes i sit watching the ink leak from my pen, it comforts me to know something else bleeds the way my heart does. For in the face of heartbreak, i look up realizing that it’s self-inflicted. I aint sure if you’ve realised that when you are sad the sky seems to cry with you? You see dark clouds, you see thunder.. and lightning.. then heavy downpour.

It’s as heavy as your heart.. exactly how you are feeling now.

Why all of a sudden you come around acting as if you care, when it’s clear that i’ve already known you don’t? So sarcastic. I’m just like you, Yeah i know i aint perfect. & Yes, i know i’m not a happy-go-lucky kinda person. I’ve always been holding a melancholy character. But one thing i love about being me, is that i dont give a shit to what you think about me.

Love isnt real, unless you love your ex for who they are, not the person you wanted them to be.

And this is so true..

mood swings again ~.~

Just dont feel quite right when it’s midnight. It’s saturday today but i’m still like a busy bee going around. I wanted to go Malacca for my favourite Satay Celup as dinner or probably drive up north to Penang to eat the famous char keow teow. But no i cant, i’m stuck here in KL for some ‘pending work’ which till now it’s yet to be confirmed.

Perhaps the melancholic character of mine surfaces during wee hours like now. When i’m all alone doing work and feeling really lonely. My dog is asleep- once a while she opens her eyes to check if i’m still around accompanaying her (or vice versa?) or if i place my foot onto her warm body.

Hopefully things will be fine tomorrow. Yeah i long for a holiday break. Though it’s very near but i might have to cancel or postpone due to the fast-spreading h1n1 virus. I aint a strong person who has good anti-body, so i might easily get infected if i’m proned to such bacterias around me. So well, sigh. maybe staying back in KL is a better choice (or worse?).

I dont know. i really dont.

Just done amending a proposal and send out via emails. What’s next? another proposal. Oh well. that’s work. Now i have to seriously consider will i be doing the same thing up to 55 years old?

Omg i cant imagine that.

zzzzzzzzzzz.

feeling the frust in me. No way to be released.

Maybe there’s a way to cheer me up. But i refuse to. i hate the long awaitment without a confirmation, i hate the agony of waiting for an unknown future.

From May to August now to November. what’s next? Jan then March?

and some clients just dont have the working ethic to keep things professional. They take your proposal here and poof~ long gone disappear. You will never be able to call or contact them- they probably take your proposal and ask the others to quote a lower price. They love your concept but refuse to pay the budget. Thus they seek for alternatives with a lower budget- without even discussing with me.

There’s no copy rights in this industry. You attended and event and the next it might be your brand new presentation to another client. I’m so used to it- but i still dont like the idea of client refuse to pick up calls or confront with me. What’s so hard to tell me to my face that you are not using my event management services, or what is so hard to politely reject the proposal?

Of course i can take it easily- as long as you reply. I dont think it’s very ethical without updating what’s going on at your side after receiving my proposal and quotation, or probably after a few discussion sessions?

There’s another client- who has been urgingly telling me how important and urgent to get the quotation and venues as well as the whole concept done. I’ve really spent my time preparing all the necessary informations, including outstations prices. I’m so glad i didnt drive all the way up-north or down-south nationwide just to re-confirm venues, and thanks to my helpful friends around who have lend me a helping hand. But yes, this irritating client went totally disappeared after receiving all the necessary information. Probably hands on to handle things by their own without even informing me.

It’s unethical of course, but they see it as something ‘lucky’ that i stop calling them. I know where their office is, Low Yat plaza. but i dont want to go straight to their office- i dont see the need since they are avoiding me.

Yeah in business we face obstacles and hindrance like these which obviously defeated our confidence.

Just hope the next is better- and upon writing all these out i’m feeling better.

Hope i’m really feeling better.

I’m a piece of layered cake now.

lol sounds weird i know. I’ve just done something funky to my hair- yes it was the Egyptian look i had for the past one year and now its to another extreme which i would eventually laugh at myself when i look into the mirror.

It’s a not symmetrical cut from different edges and it might bring on some weird pick up lines like ‘Did your just got bitten by a dog which mainly focusing on your hair’.. ok quote V, my friend.

No pictures at the moment- but i will soon post it up once i’ve also highlighted my hair. It looks a lot nicer with some colors added onto it- i’m seriously considering shall i highlight each layered portion to one different color and that makes a beautiful rainbow above my head!

Looks a little childish though. But i’m young! and i want to look even younger! lol

well like what my hairdresser said, it’s gonna be difficult when it comes to trimming this hairstyle every time because its not symmetrical. She might have to cut everything off (Bald??) and re-style it, or just cut it even shorter. Or.. depending how’s my hair she will have to figure out a way.

In other words, if you want to see this piece of layered cake you will have to see me within this month!

Just as a teaser- i look something like the picture below