kJ’s paradise~

it’s June soon! omg i cannot believe that time flies and now i’m walking my way into the 2nd half of the year. It’s nearing to event industry’s peak season- i’m slowly picking up on what i’m doing and feel good again.

Money motivation. Sorry mates :P� i know i’m just being very realistic. But yes, tell me, will you work for clients if it doesnt generate incomes at all? Lets not talk about charity work here, its something from your heart and how you wanna contribute to the society/ certain community. So it’s not part of ‘work’, i would say its part of your life if you are like what you are doing it now.

4 consequtive days i’ve only slept a total of 14 hours. Maybe that’s quite a lot to you all but its rather torturing for me. I guess since early this year i’ve been waking up late and taking my own sweet time to work according to my pace, i dont need to wakie alarms or so just to remind myself i’m rushing for time. Though i know i wasted quite a lot of time sleeping, but i feel good to enjoy what i’ve been doing.

Anyway, gotten to know a good news! A friend is getting married soon! Congrats to Swan Wui and Alex Well they are both my age, both were from the same primary school as i was but we kinda lost contact after some transition period. It’s good to know friends around me are settling down - oh wait, how old i am? I dont think i’m that old yet but why do people around me keep on reminding me of my age and the urge to get someone who can take care of me?

Hello i can do it myself .. alone :D�� lol i know it’s one good way to console myself. But i thank friends around me who have been so supportive over things that happened around me recently. Thanks for the facebook messages though some were really crappy. But i appreciate you ppl’s effort wanting to cheer me up

I’m certified healthy, cheerful, and happy at this moment of time :)�� Thanks!

Was planning a trip to either Maldives or Bora-bora island. Maldives, i’m sure most of you have heard of it. Bora-bora is located at French Polynesia and it’s a beautiful island for a relaxing honeymoon- ok wait, i mean, it’s also all good for a girl like�me wanting to wake up to the waves and stare into the bluish sea and sky without its borderline. �

I have lotsa friends who share the same interest as i - lying on the beach and start dreaming. Oh yes, i love dreaming. It can go very wild and far- and after waking up to a lovely sweet dream i felt a brand new me. And this time.. yes, i’m planning to go Bora-bora. Anyone out there who is interested to go?

Pay your own expenses obviously! lol

Ok enough of mental ruminations. lol, time to take a short nap before my dinner. Take care ppl!

*i’m just randomly feeling really good!*

-kj-

Have been undergoing some roller-coaster feelings recently. Emo, and cheered, then emo again, and finally feeling better till yesterday night.

Not today.

I wonder if people tends to do something cruel to others with the intention wanting to hurt, or was it a way to protect ownself.

I was down, no doubt, due to someone telling me some cruel facts about himself and us. I could accept- because i know its now my turn to endure with such outcome as i’ve always been bad to some random guys too. Somehow, when it’s my turn to be in such situation, i feel so lost.

Blog heals my heart- i have started different blog address just to express what i wanted to say, and gradually getting better. I might take long to be fully recovered, but i believe time heals.

But you.. why do you have to do it over and over again when we have finally decided to settle with a friendship? If that’s a way to drop it, i supposed you are achieving your goal. Yes, you’ve gotten what you wanted all these while. You hurt me with words, you want me to stay away from you.

You didnt want to be the bad guy who abandoned this pathetic girl here. But you chose a more cruel way to end the friendship. Does it .. really worth?

I understand your intention of not wanting to fall, though i have never understand the reason behind. Do you really think i’ve been disturbing you all the way? Does a few messages over MSN once a few months really bother you that much?

I dislike the irritating feelings which arouse within my mind. It’s circulating over and over again, asking me to give up. I’ve decided to, probably your actions just firm it up. Are you satisfied with that? Is that your final goal?

I dont hate you.. i just dont understand you. Perhaps the article which i came across some time ago was right.. some people came into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime.

You belong to the reason category.. thus you are leaving now. and will be gone soon.

I bought a goodbye card some time back- it was intended to be sent before you left in June. Somehow, now that i read back, it looks more like a goodbye to our friendship. I’ve decided not to send, i guess it carries no weight at this point of time.

It’s really over.. something that i didnt do the last time i promised myself to, has to be done now.. Firmly.

Though its hard to be executed.

Thanks for the picture. I appreciate it.

I’m so stressed at work.

Sooooo stressed. Which cannot be described through words.

I’m trying out a new direction at the moment, and glad i’ve been doing well. But i really wonder how long can i take such kind of stress. Will i get drown in it and end up pretty mess or will i strive for excellency.

Sigh.

I’ve an upcoming roadshow under negotation now. But that requires me to travel up north and down south. I’ve also an event in a good discussion status with client at the moment, but that’s gonna be in Singapore. There are just so many freelance girls out there who are giving me some nice headache to do a�full body�blood circulation, and also weird clients requesting for awkward enquires which i cant say no or yes.

Now i dont know what am i talking about. Sigh.

I’ve been working 3 days in a row for more than 12 hours a day. I dont get enough rest- though normal days i dont sleep early too. The difference is that nowadays i’m so tensed up with work, i feel defeated easily, i lose quite some of my confidence. Where did it go? I dont know! I just feel uncomfortable, and i long for a holiday.. though i just came back from one nice beach trip.

I wonder you people out there have the same experience? It’s like a bottle neck in life which you long for a change but dont know where to go.

I’ve been offered another chance to do my psychology work. Now it’s time to make a choice, shall or shant i?

Sometimes i have the urge to just let go everything in life and leave to a new place. Somehow i’m too young to talk about retirement. Even if i were to start a new life, it’s gonna be a routine job again in the new place- i have to start everything all over again. Will it worth to give up things that i’ve obtained so far? Just to.. run away. Maybe i’ve just been a coward. I dont have the courage to face things in a better prospective.

Sigh. I guess life is always about making a choice. Be it good or bad, right or wrong, Yes or no.

It’s up to me.

-kj-

To Love doesnt need to own, To Care doesnt need to show.

I finally understand this phrase today. I was behind the door for 1.5 hours just to watch him sleeping soundly. I wanted to show how much i care by walking forward, but no, i know once i’ve done so, there’s no turning back.

I dont want to ignite his emotions. I dont want to fight. I just want to know if the surgery turns well, if he’s able to walk again, if everything is fine with him.

I waited, and waited. Till everyone was gone. I saw someone who looks alike him walked out, that must be the brother i thought! and friends, and colleagues. and they gently shut the door, no i was lucky! It wasnt closed tightly. I pushed it open.. and i saw him. Lying so helplessly on the bed.

He couldnt move. He could barely turn. He opened his eyes for that 0.1 second, my heart stopped pounding for a decade. Will he see me? No i dont intend to show up this time. No.. please dont. But he closed his eyes, though a great sense of dissappointment flooded my empty heart.

He looked so weak. I walked near him after 1.5 hours behind of the door. He was snoring mildly. He was sleeping so soundly. He must have been tired after that dragful 6 hours surgery. The long wait worths all my efforts to see the whole course turned well.

He was cold. I could see him shivered.. but what can i do? No i cant be like the famous actress who always pull a blanket over the handsome actor in the drama series.�I couldnt keep him awake. I wanted to touch his face. I wanted to read what was written by his doctor on the diagnosis board.. but i just couldnt take my eyes off him.

It might be my last time to see him. I respect his decision and we both have to let go the friendship. It’s the most painful thing i’ve ever done in life. We are back to strangers after this..

Will we take years to recover? Will we be back in town after some thousand years of apart? Will he still be keeping his promise? Will i.. Will you.. There are so many predictions but none of them is true until i see them being truth.

But no.. I’ve learnt to let go. I’ve learnt to bless you with my love and wishes… though secretly, but willingly.

A warm goodbye to someone who means to much, hope all your things will turn out fine, and hope we will stay in touch. Friendship is a promise, two people come to share, to be there for each other, no matter when or where, and through life’s endless changes, the slow ones and the swift, the friend that you can count on is a blessing and a gift!

You were once the gift.. you were the blessing. But now i could only send you all these, underneath the trees.

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Please get well soon.

Friendship is a promise, two people come to share, to be there for each other, no matter when or where; and through life’s endless changes, the slow ones and the swift, the friend you can count on is a blessing and a gift!

I totally agree.. how many gifts and blessings do we actually get per day? Some are hidden in the prayers from the love ones, some are sent through verbals and some, are in texts. Sometimes we forget how a friendship is built. We tend to be ignorant over a fragility of a friendship. We take it for granted. We ignored the relationship.

Each of us has lotsa friends. Some are acquaintances, they come and go and we never bother to remember names. Some are colleagues, some are/were enermies but eventually become peers. Have you actually counted how many of them leave a pair of nice footprints in your heart? Which might be able to … last you forever.

Some little minor things that friends have done could have caused a maimed heart. Some left the best memories in life and be grateful. Some general things which we felt it’s ”reasonable to accept” and hence have been forgotten.

I suddenly miss a friend. A long lost friend. Not exactly ‘lost’, but the moment i’m typing this i dont think i’ve know this person any further since the first day we met. Should we be taken as merely acquaintances? Should we said we have put in efforts to be friends? All relationships need a mutual feeling and understanding from both parties. If none of the party is willingly to take one step forward, you shall stay in the same position forever. Even if one is extending a warm hug with both hands open, the other one who turns away will lead to embarrasement.

Friendship forever. If it can be forever, do you want it to be ‘forever’? or do you prefer a short period of time but with the best you both can ever have.

We dont see what has been installed in the future awaiting. We dont look back to the past either. What we are able to grab currently is what we have. Will that be a better choice?

Never look back, Never regret.

We came to love not by finding the perfect person, but rather, seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

I totally agree.

and the reason is finally here..

it’s heart breaking to find out the truth. But it’s all well-expected as i’ve gotten the exact same thing two years ago.

Two years, if it should happen we wouldnt have to wait until now in this moment. But you’ve locked up your heart. You banned the whole world from walking near you. You rejected people who wished to help, you blocked anyone else who tried to take over her place.

Thus resulted in such punishment to yourself? I dont understand.

If you’ve missed someone in life,�& know that you will never be able to get her back despite whatever hardwork you�are putting in, be�death the reason to tear you�two apart, or�will you proceed with the misery which caught you so off-guarded. Or starting to treasure people around you in life?

I chose the latter. But i’ve overestimated what life has shaped us into. It’s no longer within what we can control. What we have lost, what we are gaining, and the thoughts.

Friendship is a promise two person come to share, to be there for each other, no matter when or where, and through life’s endless changes; the slow one and the swift, the friend that you can count on is a blessing and a gift!

I am having some friends who are with me, and still with me. Thank you for all your support.. i will be fine to walk through this.

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I’ve been emo today. It’s the one year death anniversary of my previous dog, Lucky boy on the 9th of May, which was on a fine Friday last year.

The emo which was eating me up slowly couldnt fade over time, i know how i�wet my pillows in the middle of the night missing him so badly. I remember how i spent days taking care of him, skipping work to go to UPM Vet, how he vomited in wee hours right next to me, i couldnt even walk away or keep my eyes off him. I was so scared- within that split second he’s gone.. he’s gone.

I also remember how i sent him to the vet, left him hospitalised. Before i left, he turned back to look at me. His sight was so innocent. For once, he never wanted to follow me home. All these while whenever i go, he will be following me or crazily barking if i walk out of his sight.

But no, not that particular time. It looked like a good bye to me - but i really never gotten the chance to say goodbye after the last glance he gave.

There are things in life which are irreplaceable. We tried hard to mend, but in vain. When we thought we have gotten, we didnt bother to treasure. Once we lost, we regret.

There’s no point to mourne over an unchangeable fact or tragedy, for it hurts for the alive, it hurts the people around the alive.�We could reminiscent memories flooding in, we could sweetly taste the aftercase outcome, or sadly, bitterness; but it shall never be an obstacle in life to cause one from stop moving forward.

I have a new dog now. But i’ve never forgotten the previous. Just that i’ve learnt to let go the past, & treasure this moment. What we have in life is short, i shouldnt be grieving over the past, the wasted years i’ve had in life.

Nobody knows what causes your maimed heart. I dont think i’m ever given the chance to find out, though i’ve never stop trying. Each day in life i’m looking forward to some bonus, though it all end up with the same disappointment. After yesterday, i suddenly realised; if i was given the honour it could have been much earlier. Or at least, there should be a sign from you, that the wait is all paid.

There’s no need of me to try so hard to explore, but keep on getting the failure�over such long period of time. It could have been a hint when i saw your ring, which was never existed over times that i know you. A ring, what does a ring mean to a guy? Dont tell me it brings different meaning depending on the wearer’s intention, or rather, which finger the ring is fit into; i would believe it’s a obvious sign from you, that you’ve finally unlocked yourself out of the place, but no, i am still not the one who owns the key.

Of two reasons i found, best to explain why you were responsive to my texts, i’ve finally learnt to accept the second, which is, you have never loved me. But you are selfish, you want to keep me by your side to continue loving you. You dont know how to tell me a ‘No’ to tell me off, you wish i could love you forever but you dont have to bear a single responsibilities.

Hence you never take the courage to walk forward. You never wanted to fall for me. You enjoy my companion to continue loving you, but you refuse to shower me back the same feeling.

2 years. What have 2 years brought us into. Sometimes i wished�i could turn back time, and i could save a lot of time and energy, without needing to meet so many wrong persons, without getting into so much troubles. If its only you, who saved me out of all these when we first met. But i remember how you told me about your maimed heart, and not trusting into any relationships, which then made me felt your loneliness. I thought i felt something from your eyes- but at this point of time, i suddenly realise it was only me who’s naive; Who is.. dumb.

Each time you come online, my heart beats a thousand. Though we dont talk in MSN. Though you never really chat to me nor communicating in emails, though you’ve changed your blog to a new address and refuse to let me know, though.. there is so much of ‘although’, i still have that feelings for you till this point of time.

You have not answered my question. Or will you just ignore.. and leave me here suffering.

I’m tired. and wanting to start a new life. I feel the need to have a brand new life. If you are not thinking to be in the picture.. please make it clear. Please tell me you have not loved me since the first day we know each other, i will be in silence to cure my�maimed heart.

I will.. I will.

Taking a break from work- though i just came back from Bali.

Feeling really tired approaching night time, i just cant concentrate in doing anything recently. I wake up nearing to noon each day, have to take a nap in the afternoon, and by 11pm the same night i will hit the sack.

I constantly feel cold and still shiver though i’m showering under hot water. I feel dizzy at night, and my head is spinning round, like the Balinese says ‘pusing’!

I went to google about swine flu’s symtoms. The place that i’ve spent the last 4 days is a tourism place that is surrounded by tonnes of visitors around the world. I suddenly feel scared- what if i’m more of the victims, and have to die ..

what if.. so many what if.

I’m still feeling dizzy. Missing someone who’s far away. Missing a sport which i’m new to. Missing the time i have been spending with my friends.

Missing.. a lot of things.

Will i .. or will i not be able to walk through. Please pray for me.

A number, that represents the incident.

It’s Labour Day- which mean its a holiday. I just came back from a holiday in Bali. Very nice place, very serene at night, i could feel the peace surrounding me accompanying my sleep. When was the last time i had such a sleep.

I lost count of it.

The feeling is still fresh how we were talking, i felt your existance right next to me. No you werent there with me in Bali. But everywhere i went, food that i ate, places that i visited, surfing trips that i was diving into, i could feel you.

I sent out a postcard. I wondered if you received it? No it doesnt matter anymore.�I didnt even write my sign-off. But i remembered clearly i told ya�i will be off to Bali. So when you have it, if there’s this tiny winy image of me in your mind, i’m sure you dont need to find hard to finally understand i’ve been here, and have never left.

It’s May. It’s a nice place with hot sun in a nice month middle of the year. I was sitting at the beachfront, fell into deep thoughts of so much things which were too random, and having the breeze gently touching my cheeks to wipe off the tears. Was it love? It’s just yesterday that it all happened, what have i grown into?

I dont know, i really dont.

If Timor Leste is�your destination, what’s mine …

I closed my eyes. and the breeze, dried up my tears to say good night.