kJ’s paradise~

Literally, i just walked away from a possible meet-up with death.

I almost died on the road- to be one of the victims in a car crashed accident.

I was on 90km/h on a highway yesterday to a business appointment, little did i realise most cars were slowing down because there was another car which broke down somewhere in the middle lane on a busy highway.

To a point when i saw the red lights indication from the little Kelisa car in front of me, i was only 2 cars distance away on the same speed. My brain was blank, i felt the chill down my spine, the only thing that came to my mind was, ‘goodbye people’.

I tried to break the car. i heard a loud squealing of brakes from my car, i instantly smelt the burnt tyres, i felt i was sliding off track, i wanted to close my eyes.

I was getting nearer, and nearer, i knew i had only two choices. Either i continued to break harder and stopped the car, which in anyway�the car might be drifting�and ended up in the opposite direction and crashed onto any other on-going cars, or, i let go the brake to let the car stop at its own pace - in other words will only stop once it crashed onto the car in front.

It was a narrow squeak- the Kelisa in front saw the danger coming its way and immediately swift over to the left lane - so now i have 3 cars distance before i could stop my 90km/h speed. I decided to place my last bet on my babycar - i braked thoroughly after the 0.001second of thought.

I closed my eyes. I hold on to my steerling - some images came into my mind. It’s like�a slide show of a summary of my 23 years of life, i didnt know why all of those can be summarize within that 2 seconds.. but before it could be continued, i knew i was safe.

I felt the car had finally stopped.

I looked at the back mirror, it was all�smoky. If it’s not the burnt tyres smell i would think i am in Genting Highlands with the breezy fog around me. I guess other drivers were waiting to witness another car crashed accident, but i disappointed them because i saved my own life, i saved others as well - i did not intend to jeapordize anyone to come along with me should i be destined to die that afternoon.

But i was shivering. I was still shivering. I suddenly i realised i still have so many things waiting to be done, so many love to spare (bleh), so many people to meet up, and so much more to do for my family.

That afternoon i was awaken- from a nightmare. from a terrible nightmare which almost caught me off track and never able to come back.

Now that i’m here, standing firmly alive, i know how i should be treasuring life, loving people around us, doing things with no regrets.

Taking this xmas opportunity to wish each and everyone, stay healthy and be safe for everything you do. To live long or not is not the issue, to live with no regrets and satisfyingly is the key to the happiness.

Hugs.

I am so lost. Never had i felt such depressed in my life. I thought the last incident was the most worst thing that had ever happened in my life, but now that i know the worst is yet to come.

It’s haunting me. It’s even worse when i’m taking a break from my work, when you are really free you have more time to think about lotsa things.

I felt disgusted, disturbed, bothered over the whole incident.

I texted him to ask if we can talk. I want to know if my presumptions were right. But in vain, i got no reply.

It was me who was naive. Right from the beginning when the first ever bad thing took place, i should have known it’s such an evil place. It’s pushing me away and away from the right track . I am never able to feel kj, again.

Why am i the one who has to suffer from it after such incident? Why wasnt him the one who should be guilty? Why am i running away from my work, people around me, friends, colleagues, and have to go so far away?

It’s a betrayal. It’s infidelity. It’s to show how unfaithful one person can be, though he/she has got a stable partner.

I was a victim in the game, wasnt i.

and why am i always in such a game. And just being elimate out of it without even knowing what had happened.

Despair. I am.

I was in despair. I was mad at myself.

I guess every girl who encounters such situation will have similar reaction- Psychology studies says it’s probably because we are lack of guidance and we dont know who to turn to.

But who can we blame? There’s no proper channel for us to�utter out the unsatisfied voice.

It was a wrong decision to stay. Very wrong.

I was shocked. Even this moment when i’m typing it out my feeling is still unsettled. I have never expected this to happen - and it’s from a very close buddy.

Perhaps to him i’m not even a friend - I’m a random someone whom he meets everyday.

I went back to the place. I cleared all my stuffs, packed and moved into my car. I chose not to meet him anymore. Whatever term we can use, Yes you may say i’m running away from problems- but i guess this is the only solution out.

No one was there. I took my own sweet time of 3 hours to do nothing but just staring into the ceiling, reflecting the situation, and trying to understand the issue.

Then i got his sms to apologize. It was the ‘feeling’, he said. But what was i to him? Who was i to him back then.

How about the someone who’s thousand miles away waiting for him?

But it wasnt my fault. I didnt mean to run away from any responsibilities but i felt uneasy if i were to meet him again�yet pretend nothing has ever happened.

I just want to delete this part from my memories. I hate this part right here .. and i love the song now.

Ctrl+ Alt+ Delete.

Once more my battery is off.

Hello,

�

I need 30�female usherettes�for the following event and must be able to fit into the requirements:

�

Event: �Organization New Year Dinner

Date: 3rd January 2009 (Saturday)

Venue: Putrajaya

Time: 7pm-10pm (Standby at 3pm)

�

Requirements:

#1 Pleasant looking and pretty

#2 Height at least 5�5��

#3 Chinese

�

Job Scopes:

#1 Bringing the VIPs into the showroom.

#2 Smile for the camera.

�

Note:

�Eight (8) of the girls will be chosen to dress in Cheongsam (provided by client) during food presentation as the gimmick of the night. Others will be provided with black long gown as attire. Wear your own black heels.

�

Please send your profiles with pictures to kjseow@gmail.com asap.

�

Cheers.

KJ

khaijia@iamkj.com

havent gotten the time to update my blog. Well maybe to be in precise there werent much to write about.

A lot of things happened, which made me so speechless and had to conform to ‘faith’. I guess when it comes to times that we have to depend on ‘fate’ its always the last resort we can have.. to substitute the damn thinking of ‘end of the day’.

Anyway i received some comments and some personal encouragement from friends who were sharing a piece of advice�in regards to�my last post. Pretty surprised of some readers whom i’ve not been expecting to drop a line. Thanks so much for everything, i really appreciate it.

It’s end of the year. To look back what i’ve done and gained i guess it’s not to be mentioned here. I’ve achieved and obtained what i wanted, but at the same time losing some precious things which werent supposed to be sacrificed. It’s still good, as we know life is never perfect.

My new year resolution for the hopefully-glorious�year 2009, be good and stay healthy. Hope things are going smooth sailing in my new life, hopefully i wont take too long to adjust myself in a new environment. We have to grow up somehow, it’s no longer the same old person back home. Life might be tough, but as long as we face it with courage i guess it’s never too bad too.

Taking this opportunity to wish all my dear friends who are reading this line, all the best in the coming year(s).�Thanks for all the time you’ve spent on this page and have been supporting me all the while. I will be fine, and i will keep you people updated once i’ve settled down at the new place.

I might be far physically, but i’m just a phone call / text/ MSN message away for you to reach me!

Hugs!

-kj-

i’m back to KL. Happy Birthday to myself. This post was supposd to be posted yesteday but i was just too tired and sick to do anything.

Yes the moment i touched down at airport i was feeling sick. I was having a terrible headache, maybe due to me skipping lunch. Then the night before i was spending some time in the cemetery in Philippines which was so breezy - ok to be in precise the wind was really, really strong.

Lack of water consumption�for the past one week, which resulted in sorethroat. Insisted that my antibody is strong enough to fight against diseases so i refused to take any medicines. ok Fine, now suffering

But i had a great birthday Though no presents ‘yet’ at the moment - but this time round is a fruitful experience to spend my time doing some good work

Anyway since Chinese New Year is soon and i might not be helping much in tidying the house when the date is nearer, i took the initiative today to help clearing some rubbish at my desk. Didnt know i have kept so much unused documents and CDs in the drawer. I keep almost every single card on all occassions by my friends, and had fun viewing them through.

Done, Pack, Threw, and Kept the remaining ones.

I suddenly feel new life. The new ones are coming to me, the old ones are never back anyway. Like a Chinese saying, You will never get a new�stuffs unless you choose to let go the old ones.

When life is safe and smooth, we can easily lose our direction. Yet even a small setback or misfortune can awake our conscience, and nurture the seeds of kindness.

The beauty of oneself lies in the confinement of each individual.� *smiles*

-kj-

Love is missing someone when we are apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you are close in heart.

I went to see you today. For one final last time. Memories were flown flooding me, which couldnt stop me tearing thinking of you. I didnt know a memory which has been buried couple of months ago could be triggered easily, only after you were gone.

Gone as in, eternally gone.

The videos were great. The songs in the CD were so right, which caused all the tearing moments. For once, i allowed myself to look into my heart, to reflect what has been happening, to know myself better..

Tears were rolling down my cheek, but it also helped to see myself in another perspective.

You were like the sun, that lights up my whole world.

You were like the river, that flows down through my vains, and stay inside my heart.

Nobody picks me up when i fall, and i will never be able to stand up strong.

Loving you is the hardest thing in the world, but it’s achievable though you are gone.

I told ya i might not be back. I cant forget how the incident went so wrong that i was even being deleted from your friend’s list. I barely remember a single thing, all these while i allowed myself to ‘forget’ but not ‘forgive’.

But i know, even if i were to tell you now that you’ve been forgiven, the answer was mahal kita, i guess it’s all meaningless.

It doesnt serve the actual purpose of visiting since you were gone. I dont think i can take another time of reflecting how true a fact can be, to slowly eating me up and pushing me towards a cliff.

I’m glad to have made a choice, far ahead from all the predictions. I just wanted it to be cleared, though it shall leave a dent in the maimed heart full of scars.

At least i know i will, i definitely will.

Happy Birthday to myself.

-kj-

blogging at a comfy place in Batangas City, Philippines, i suddenly feel the pain of losing someone close to you, whom you think will always be there for you whenever you are down.. but, somehow, is never able to do so anymore.

I’m at Ralph’s place, using his laptop, sitting at his usual place, lying down on his bed, but all alone.

i just came back from his cemetery. As everyone knows i cry so easily, i was literally tearing even i was on my way there.

He’s resting in peace .. perhaps not really ‘peacefully’ as i know he’s so much more to do in his life. It’s very unfair of God to take his life away in the car crashed accident which wasnt his fault - he’s only 21 years. A year fill with fun and love, hopes and future. He’s always been a scholar since school days. He’s been doing really great in his life. He copes with the challenges that almost thrash him down, he never gave up.

I heard of the full incident finally, from their new driver. He actually died on the spot - the moment they met with the accident and his soul was out - perhaps back home cause the two dogs were houling. But again, we shall never question God what is fair and what’s not. Perhaps He has his ways of doing things, He has His reason for taking his life away at this point of life.

I’m glad i’ve known him in New Zealand. Fate brought us there but it’s just too short to do anything else.

I suddenly realize i appreciate life more now. People come and go, its never in our hands to control. Treasure the people around you, you will never know it might be the last time you are able to hear from them again.

I keep my promises, i get my things done here. There are times that we can never measure life and love, in monetary terms.

I’m glad to have made it real this trip.

I wanna fly home, and appreciate what’s given and ready for me. What is gone, has already gone.

Rest in Peace, Ralph.

i suddenly have the crave for a simple breakfast.. someone wakes up in the morning to prepare my favourite omelette, a�glass of hot milk and two pieces of toasted bread.

Perhaps with a kiwi.

My perfect life.

I fell into deep thought. To seriously think when was the last time i had such an enjoyable lifestyle without much obsession.

and i think, again, and again.

8 months ago. It’s 8 months ago that i actually had the exact same breakfast. But, he’s no longer here.

Fate brings us to where we are, to meet people whom we’ve not come across, and to also seperate us who long to stay together.

How long was it ago which you’ve made a promise to someone you love, but never able to keep it or maybe, have even long abandoned it? Have you ever think of how one gets hurt with such feeling..

As least i know i do. I keep remembering the small little promises i’ve made to the people around me, i couldnt forget vows that friend(s) swore to me.

Such an idiot. Tell me who takes things seriously even if they are crossing their hearts? Words dont deserve a price. It’s meant to be kept at the bottom of one’s heart.

or maybe, it’s meant�to be said and forgotten.

I look into the sky. I’m glad i’m not one of those. I keep my promises, i fight for what’s supposed to be mine, and let go what’s not supposed to belong to me.

Sigh. At least i learn. Though still learning but i’m one year older.

Happy birthday to myself. Might not have internet access for the coming one week. I’m flying to Philippines in�two hours time from now. I’m gonna keep a promise, get it done, and come home without feeling guilty.

Sometimes life is not perfect. But it’s a lot more beautiful when we see it with the heart, rather than the eyes.

Talk to me, you will know

-kj-