i’m sitting alone at starbucks. sipping a cup oficed latte.. starring into the laptop screen feeling so blank- yet so relaxed.
Did that when i was in Singapore too. More of a vacation- i thought. But princess needs to be awaken one day too. You cant live without bowing to the fact of reality. We need to earn money for livings. That’s how i got into my business- started off without much capitals but lately getting more stable.
So i started to pursue my dreams of backpacking. Wanted to just lead a relaxed lifestyle without needing to worry about anything else. But God likes to put me to test. Obstacles came simultanously till i couldnt breathe.
Sometimes i wonder whether it’s a correct choice to have studied psychology during my 3 years of university life. I am glad to have learnt how to observe people- put that into practice, but at the same time feeling so down after each observation. I have been constantly telling myself not to do that onto anyone- i will just practice what i used to do- sipping a coffee at starbucks watching the strangers come and go. Never do that on friends.
Especially close friend(s).
but socialization is howyou carry yourself. The more you are reluctant to do certain things, the more you will fall into it without realizing it. It’s how you are being influenced by what you study/ practice/ do everyday with your friends. Or the most, things that you are reluctant to do most of the time.
By the end of the day, either you accept the fact that you are one of the group, or rather, you leave; but still carry the same character.
I didnt want to observe you. But i couldnt help it. I didnt do it in purpose but the more i’m spending time with you, i found out more things. I wonder whether you know that much about me like how i know you- or you were expecting me to tell you verbally ‘who i am’.
Who I Am.
What a big word.
Do you know the reason why I didnt want to reveal the inner me- the sick me, to you? That night at Gloria Jeans i saw doubt in your eyes. I saw 80% of sincerity but 20% of uncertainty. I know i need more time to observe, to know about you, to see how sincere you are and whether you are committed.
Never did i know you will use it as an excuse to say You’ve not known me much since the Island trip. Was i being blamed for not telling you things ‘verbally’ - or maybe i was just too used to times that i observe people and learn things by myself.
Did i , put on that much of pressure on you? Were you feeling so strained to learn such expectations were placed on you-
I wonder.
I wouldnt say i handle things that maturely- but at least i know how to handle us. Love you for a reason, and may the reason be love. Noone is flawless- the goods and bads are to be determined by ownself. We cant change someone to become somebody else whom we love.
Unless you are taking the initiative to change. To improve. To love. To accept.
I know i did. But did you…
I didnt cry. Neither did i beg you to stay. You left without much words. After a couple of apology words you went offline. Is that how you handle us?
I’ve learnt to let go. I accept you for who you are.
But did you at least respect me for who I am?
I almost gonna call you to ask for more clarifications, but in the end i didnt. You cant possibly change someone who has far gone to make a U-Turn if that’s not his destination.
I’m glad you’ve found yours. But where do i belong.
If you happen to read this unsent letter, i need you to do a decision.
I’ve a choice to be in Singapore or Denmark for a year. If that’s your final answer, I will choose the latter. If you are still unsure ofwhat you want, i might choose the first.
If i dont get a reply, it’s just fated that you will never read this unsent letter, since it’s destined not to be sent. I will drop both, and proceed to an unknown place, to continue my dreams.
Every single day is like a blank page of our life. Every person we meet forms a lively essay. Every incident which occurs, shapes us into who we are today.
Have you learnt that? I know i did.
