Iwrote a long post about all the melancholic stories of mine. I wrote something and erased them off.
I wanted to tell the world how do i feel now. But i guess it’s just inappropriate.
Sigh. Blog used to be defined as a ‘diary’ but not that personal –> anyone who stumblesacross the page can read and understand what’s going on. I had a diary some years back, but again, it doesn’t look like one and hence anyone who has the curiosity to know what’s up with me would just flip through the pages.
So i dont write personal things in that diary. and so.. i abandoned it after a while.
You know i dont longer long for a stable and steady relationship. I suddenly realised life can be very good without someone messing with your feelings. Though you have to bear with the loneliness that attacks every now and then, which cannot be healed with the companionship from friends.
I’ve changed. What i’ve experienced throughout these months have shaped me into a brand new person, whom I bearly recognise who kJ is. I feel lost. So lost that I have to have doubts whether this is still ‘me’ who is staying in this human shell.
I want to do a lot of things but I’m stuck with some stupid limitation. I want to own a lot of things but will never get due to financial constraint. I want to be with someone so much — but the fairy tale stories shall never come into reality.
and so I tried to be realistic,but It’s just so not-me kind of character.
Everyone loves to dream, i supposed. I dream a lot. but that brings me even further from where I am. I want to fly, so i went to fly the kites. Thinking that one day i might fly as high as them, imagining that I can go to some other places — maybe to a further extent.
and I fell. I fell with no one backing me up. Bruises everywhere. Swollen legs and hands. No one was there to support me. No one was there to hold my hands and carry me up. No one was there to wipe my tears and say everything will be fine.
I cried. I tried to crawl back to where I used to belong.
It was in vain. I’m way too far.. too far.
The reason why I chose that place to further my study.. the reason why I chose to fly away from everyone near me, The reason why I chose to hide myself, i finally realised.
I’m just an ordinary girl. I aint tall. I aint strong. I may look tough from appearance, I may look like someone who’s full of confidence who will never be defeated.
But i’m still a small little girl.
A girl, who needs a shoulder to cry on. A girl, who wants a pair of strong hands to carryher whenshe falls. A girl, who needs to be pampered. A girl, who needs to be loved. A girl, who is seeking for true love.
And a girl .. who wants a partner, who can be with her forever. Just hers, forever.
Still, i’m all alone. All alone, by myself.and Iwill be going away soon — all alone… for the next 4 years.
Will you,will you…wait for me?
but i know the answer. I know.
… …
-kJ-
