Jun 29

Iwrote a long post about all the melancholic stories of mine. I wrote something and erased them off.

I wanted to tell the world how do i feel now. But i guess it’s just inappropriate.

Sigh. Blog used to be defined as a ‘diary’ but not that personal –> anyone who stumblesacross the page can read and understand what’s going on. I had a diary some years back, but again, it doesn’t look like one and hence anyone who has the curiosity to know what’s up with me would just flip through the pages.

So i dont write personal things in that diary. and so.. i abandoned it after a while.

You know i dont longer long for a stable and steady relationship. I suddenly realised life can be very good without someone messing with your feelings. Though you have to bear with the loneliness that attacks every now and then, which cannot be healed with the companionship from friends.

I’ve changed. What i’ve experienced throughout these months have shaped me into a brand new person, whom I bearly recognise who kJ is. I feel lost. So lost that I have to have doubts whether this is still ‘me’ who is staying in this human shell.

I want to do a lot of things but I’m stuck with some stupid limitation. I want to own a lot of things but will never get due to financial constraint. I want to be with someone so much — but the fairy tale stories shall never come into reality.

and so I tried to be realistic,but It’s just so not-me kind of character.

Everyone loves to dream, i supposed. I dream a lot. but that brings me even further from where I am. I want to fly, so i went to fly the kites. Thinking that one day i might fly as high as them, imagining that I can go to some other places — maybe to a further extent.

and I fell. I fell with no one backing me up. Bruises everywhere. Swollen legs and hands. No one was there to support me. No one was there to hold my hands and carry me up. No one was there to wipe my tears and say everything will be fine.

I cried. I tried to crawl back to where I used to belong.

It was in vain. I’m way too far.. too far.

The reason why I chose that place to further my study.. the reason why I chose to fly away from everyone near me, The reason why I chose to hide myself, i finally realised.

I’m just an ordinary girl. I aint tall. I aint strong. I may look tough from appearance, I may look like someone who’s full of confidence who will never be defeated.

But i’m still a small little girl.

A girl, who needs a shoulder to cry on. A girl, who wants a pair of strong hands to carryher whenshe falls. A girl, who needs to be pampered. A girl, who needs to be loved. A girl, who is seeking for true love.

And a girl .. who wants a partner, who can be with her forever. Just hers, forever.

Still, i’m all alone. All alone, by myself.and Iwill be going away soon — all alone… for the next 4 years.

Will you,will you…wait for me?

but i know the answer. I know.

… …

-kJ-

Jun 28

we often hear people tell you ‘Dont drink and drive’

But i guess the best advice shall be ‘Dont drive while you are tired’

This is what will happen.

ops.

and this is what had happened.

Sigh. I own a fragile car.

-kj-

Jun 25

Iwas struggling to get out. I knew it’s wrong. I knew it will be haunting me forever.

I wanted to give one last bet. I wanted to give us one last shot.

but the messages made me collapsed. All over from tip to toe.

The promises he used to make with just ‘one-baby’, never came realised.

10.26am: ”Baby, I’m leaving”

10.28am: ”How Baby. If you cant get a room then have to sleep by the road side. Sob”

10.30am: ”Oh shit. Sorry wrongly sent.”

10.32am: ”Argh. All messed up.”

The first one was to me. Yes it was. But the next one was wrongly sent. It was meant to be read by another ‘baby’ but came into my inbox accidentally.

Two Timing. I hate that. I hate people who does that and hurt the innocents. I hate people who claims ‘there’s nothing going on” betrays me and let me be the last to know. I hate people who does not keep the promises. I hate people who take me/things for granted.

I believed i deserved an explanation. But i wasn’t given any. He said not necessary. and I never received any text messages since then.

Before it even started, it’s ended.

I’m glad it has all been revealed — at an early stage. I’m glad i’m over with that. Though I’ve so many questions to ask, but over the years my experiences shaped me into who I am today.

I learn to let go at times. I learn how to manage things at the best pace. I’ve came to learn that the chances are not up to your choice to be ‘grabbed’ but rather, It is waiting for its times to slip away.

It’s just over. and I’m tired.

I’m leaving again. Soon. Very soon.

-kj-

Jun 19

I made a decision. But nobody knew whether its a correct one.

I hope to have answer. But it seems to be the same like April ones.

I want to get this out of my mind. But everything is still obsessing me day and night.

I want to know.. I really want to know.

And YOU.. are the only whom I can rely on to save me out of this piece of mind.

But YOU are also the one.. who pushes me down into the mud and walk away with no hesitation.

And now.. YOU ignore. You are gone.

Completely ignoring the surroundings. Whats happening.

I’m all alone. Standing at the crossroad. Will my next choice be the right one?

Shall I go straight, or Turn back?

I seriously dont know.

Jun 18

I had a chance to watch Made of Honour this movie preview on Tuesday night.

Really good one. You know I’ve not shown any interest on any romance movie. But heard this is a ‘not bad’ movie and maybe i should just give it a try since the tickets are free!

and so i went. and came back. and … so love it!

omg. Scotland looks really nice. I must seriously plan to go over one day!

and didnt know a nice movie can make my day too =)

later someone told me this in MSN:

6/18/2008 9:27:33 PM (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog sugar&salt hahahaha
6/18/2008 9:27:36 PM (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog sugar&salt wei
6/18/2008 9:27:40 PM (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog sugar&salt me lazy to work
6/18/2008 9:27:44 PM (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog sugar&salt can find someone marry me ah
6/18/2008 9:27:46 PM (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog sugar&salt then rest at home
6/18/2008 9:27:53 PM sugar&salt (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog me lor
6/18/2008 9:27:58 PM sugar&salt (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog i marry you
6/18/2008 9:28:07 PM sugar&salt (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog but you cannot be spendrift wan wor
6/18/2008 9:28:38 PM (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog sugar&salt hahahaha
6/18/2008 9:28:39 PM (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog sugar&salt i wont
6/18/2008 9:28:45 PM sugar&salt (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog ok la… then deal
6/18/2008 9:28:46 PM sugar&salt (F) ??? www.iamkj.com/blog :)

lol. so i’m married?

Jun 16

It’s no longer the same.

TwiLight. I see hopes. But i see crashes too.

It’s done. It’s over. Will you still read this blog? I wonder.

Some people handle things with immaturity. Some do it after much thought. Some never give a damn to the outcomes. Some take it as how it was given.

Some understand the whole picture. Some see it from a small angle. Somewatch it from the overall view. Some was standing right beneath it and was suffocating.

I was trapped in a triangle.

and was out.

but fell again.

How important the sense of security could have given assurance to a relationship?

It’s unknown. Till I realise…

You are gone.

Forever.

Jun 14

You know, no pain no gain.

And furthermore, this is NO PAIN to GAIN a freebie.

So i would surrender and get it done.

Most of my friends are aware that i watch ONLY horror movies. I kinda dislike animation, dont have special interest to any romantic comedies as i’m single! (Yes i’m!) and once used to think that watching movies in the cinema is such a waste of time.

But i was constantly being questioned by friends about this upcoming movie screening in cinema by Patrick Dempsey — ‘Made of Honour’. Wondering what the heck a romantic movie could turn out to be as i’ve never been a big fan,but at the same time wasbeing notifiedabout the privileges being an Advertlets member because they are giving out free movie tickets to the members!

Hence i think i should grab this chance since it’s free — i dont need to pay a single cent (oklah exclude petrol price since it’s increased SOOOO much) and try my luck to redeem 2 free tickets to watch the show! Who knows i might love romance comedies and start to change my target to all of these stories while busy seeking for a boyfriend!

Anyway, check out this nice movie preview and trailerhere. You might be surprised!

Of course, i hope i do get 2 free tickets to watch this show with all other bloggers.. hmm maybe some of you out there would like to be my date for the night? ;)

cheers!

-kj-

Jun 14

I’m like.. back to melancholic kind of character.

and that’s very bad, I know.

I thought and supposed things will turn out fine, somehow it did not.

Whats with all those sweet talks that have never blindfolded me and i could stay so conscious any day.. made me fell all over it tip to toe.

I have set over 100 hopes in the pda list hoping to get it done/ achieved/realised day by day. Yeah the list is getting shorter, but that’s also i’m deleting them instead of achieving all.

In fact, i’m gradually losing hopes.

I suddenly feel so stupid. I’ve been so ignorant to the surroundings and underestimate the outcomes. I could have chosen a NO instead a YES, I could do something better than that.

Its like the Tak-Nak campaign we have, to anti smoking habit (or rather, ciggy), its very much up to you to say a YESgently or NO firmly.

There’s no turning back, why bother to find a U-Turn? If you could find a way out, you should have done it much earlier.

A friendwas asking me whether i’m able to accept my guy to take candid close shots with other girls.

That made me thought for a second. Yeah will I accept that? If i say can, I supposed the relationship is coming to an end. Can you see your own guy having a happy family picture or hugging another pretty looking lady so tightly yet still claim there’s nothing going on?

If I say I cant accept that, be prepared for another big fight over next few days.

Sigh. Dilemma right. The freedom you are supposed to be giving each other has now turned to be a chain which lock you up to no where.

It’s all illusion. It’s all not real.

-kj-

Jun 13

Dear all,

I need 4 girls to work as usherettes in a property launch ceremony. Details as below.

Event: Property Launch Reception for VIPs

Date: 28th June 2008

Time: 12pm- 5pm ( Standby at 11am to make-up and change into uniform)

Venue: Ampang

Requirements:

1. Presentable looking, 160cm and above.

2. Good working attitude, able and know how to smile.

3. Able to serve drinks to VIPs, not clumsy.

4. Alert and be watchful of what to do.

Please send profiles to kjseow@gmail.com

Regards,

KJ

khaijia@iamkj.com

www.iamkj.com/blog/events

Jun 12

After much hopes have been destroyed, i finally realised why would some people prefer accompanionship rather than soulmate.

Define each of them please, can you?

I can’t. I seriously can’t. There’s no clear line to differentiate both, we are all human beings with emotions. We tend to be driven by feelings and not being rationale.

and fell all over the same trap again and again.

Someone might be telling you he loves you thiiiiiiiiiiis much this minute but you take a look behind realise that he has just walked to someone else and hugged her.

When you make noise to show disatisfaction he says you are just creating problems with the annoying jealousy.

Make sense?

Perhaps from a female’s point of view, Its significant to insecurity, unstable kind of relationship. Be it whatever reason the guy can give — to pacify the other girl, to just lend her a shoulder, just friends, or some bullshit, it all means the same –> excuse.

Perhaps from a male’s point of view, there’s no big deal to hug someone else or lend a crying shoulder to a female friend THOUGH he has a girlfriend.

There’s never right or wrong. Just that we have to learn how to accommodate to the different situation.

I guess the best way is not to have hopes. If it’s all coming to you, it shall be a surprise. It shall be a gift. But when it’s all over, it was just a dream.

A sweet-o dream.

Am I awaken from the dream? Can anyone wake me up?

I just want to go to bed. I just want to.

-kj-

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