kJ’s paradise~

Over the time we experience different things in life.

I did not expect the past 7 months to have been living under some hollow shadows, or rather, being cheated terribly.

Perhaps they were all lies. Promises do not come easily. Those that do are empty promises.

I’ve given myself a lot of chances to believe and re-believe it’s all facts and obsessed with the perception that prince and princess will live happily ever after.. only yesterday to me realised that the happy ending shall be there but the princess can never be me.

Each time I see a new hope and repeatatively telling myself it shall be the last hence i should be grabbing the chance, something eventually will turn out and vanish all of it. It seems to be too bubbly — i can never hold on tightly in my palms.

Was it just an illusion? Or it was so true that I’ve been cheated too.

What is ’soon’?� It can be as soon as an hour, a day, a week, a year .. or, 10 years. If i say i’m coming to your place soon, it can bring the�meaning of ‘now’. But when i say things will be settled soon — it can take up to years, or even 100 years is ‘SOON’ if were to compared to 200 years.

7 months of awaitment. It’s just for a word of ’soon’ which i believed and put in so much faith — turned out to be a great disappointment when i finally realised all blames were then back to me.

Perhaps it was me who’s stupid. Girls (mostly) are emotional, yeah? We believe whatever our�partner says, especially�in love. No matter what others have been telling you or pointing out all the wrong-doings, we still hold on to our principals and love blindly.

Till one day we got hurt, we’ve been dumped, we realised the happily living together ever after story never came after all .. We were then awaken.

What is Loving someone now but unable to perform the love?

Is that similar to I Love You but unable to Marry You?

Is that similar to I Want You hence I Take You.. for granted?

It’s because of the word ‘Love’ that so many girls ‘died’ in it.� We tend to think the partner is giving the heart and soul - thoroughly. When we found out the truth, We couldnt accept it. We cried. We yelled. We shouted.

We then asked for a break-up. But fell into the trap again after some sweet-talking done by the guys. It’s like a cycle. It will never end unless we�wake up from�dream.

Perhaps it’s human nature to be greedy. I wouldnt deny i would like to keep the ‘existing’ one while getting a ‘better’ one. And i know it applies to 99% of the people around the world. But the more i’ve experienced how hurtful it is to be the ’spare’ or rather ‘extra’ (alternative choice) I know i will never want to do so to my loved ones.

Still, I’ve then become the ’spare’ ones.

Till the very last moment before the official graveyard was given to the relationship, i suddenly realised what type of partner i need in the future.

He must be matured in thinking. He must be able to give me a sense of secure. He must not make empty promises and yet still telling me ‘I will do it’. He must know how to measure ’soon’ this term. He must be able to accept me for who I am.

Most importantly, he must not blame me for whatever things that happen.

I thank God for that.

and pray that this ‘He’ shall exist — SOON — and this ’soon’ shall keep k.i.v as no one can ever define the time frame.

Sigh.

-kJ-

�

Dear all,

�

I need 6 female multi-task crews in an event. Payment is RM50 per day. (Payable cash on the spot)

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Date: 31st May 2008 (Saturday)

Time: 12pm - 10pm

Venue: Bukit Jalil Stadium

Job scope: Assist us during the event.

��������������� Be on the stage to assist the MC during the roll-call, human-�

��������������� wave.

��������������� Multi-tasks crew.

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Send me your name, IC number and phone number.

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Regards,

kJ

khaijia@iamkj.com

Disappointment derives from hopes. I truly and totally agree with that.

If you have not set a higher demand onto something which might not be achievable, the ‘disappoinment’ shall not come in. If you know what is ‘real’ and just be realistic, Life is always much better and easier to tolerate with.

Anyway I’ve been really busy recently. This whole week. Since i’m away, I’ve not been eating ‘that well’ though the�food was delicious as if you can only find in heaven, but it’s also as�inhygiene as any (or�even worse) than any�street�stalls you can get in Malaysia. I had a tough time throwing out and having diarrhea as a result of mal-adaptation to the new environment.

But this is life, isnt it? Towards the end of the week i’m now better — literally i eat whatever is being served (food la of course) and there’s no longer bad effects kicking in. However, it’s also time to leave.

I managed to squeeze a lil time for sleep every night, and i supposed the total hours added up will not exceed 15 hours/ week. I’ve got dark dark dark x 100 eye circles and eye bags, but i put on weight ( >.< )

I’ve made my efforts to call home/ Malaysia in the mean time while i’m busy despite the bloody expensive phone bills,�yet there’s still people who condemn my efforts –> and now it’s all wrong-doings.�I’ve tried my best not to remember things about Lucky, but I just cant take down his lovely picture in my laptop background. My screen saver is all about him — each time i close my eyes in that few hours at night to rest i feel his existence.

I’m expecting a friend to be here with me sometime this week, but someone stood me up though i was told the hotels and flights have been pre-arranged.

Restless. Exhausted. My mind is basically all blank — I know what I have on hand and the important�pending�tasks to be done, yet I’m still here lazying around.

I’m just feeling emo. I finally realized I’ve been availed all the while. Some people around me are close to me for the sake of�that slight�benefits they are able to receive, but most of the other time they kick me off to somewhere else. When it comes to the term ‘money’ and ‘earnings’ .. everyone shows me a smiley face. But when it comes to terms to do with self/own-benefits, I’ve never been in their first priority.

Shall i still proceed with such relationship. Shall I just forget about such friendship.

We evolved in lifes. We meet different people at different stages of life. You might not even remember me as your ‘best-est friend’ those days back in kiddo life, and some day in the future�when�we meet�you might just shake my hands and say Oh it’s been long.

I’m now sitting at the highest (or not?) point here — looking down to the fabulous and nicely structured well-developed buildings around the city, looking into the bright sky above me..� but still have to wonder what I’ve got actually.

Is this what I want in my life? The hopes that I used to have, have them been achieved? or forgotten.

I dont longer have that enthusiasm to hold on to whatever promises I’ve once received. I dont even want to fight for anything. What’s wrong with me?

If I have a million questions, God, Will you tell me the solutions?

�

-kJ-

�

p/s : The idiotic guy called me again at 6am while masturbating, and this time with this number +60327815960 . Apparently a lady called me with +60327185955 but was looking for someone else — wrong number obviously.

I know you read my blogs. Thanks for admiring me. Sorry, when you told me you have 6 inches long dick i actually wanted to tell you I would use a knife to chop it all off instead of the 0.5 inches left for you.

Do consider sperm bank If you still want your offspring in the future. My best-est advice.

�

Have been having some bad luck recently. Of course, the most defeating incident will be my babylucky who left me a week ago — i am still in a shocking mode but am gradually accepting the facts.

Anyway, here are something that cheer me up –

This was something i received last Monday, have a good laugh

�

Well someone bought me an egg as�my breakfast but i’ve forgotten to eat it (LOL). He drew it later in the afternoon as if the egg was speaking to me! That made me didnt want to eat the cutey egg even�more — Tell me will you eat it if this is yours?

And .. Here is another picture. Guess what is ‘above the hair’ of the egg … …

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I had a great day that day, for obvious reason. Though i didnt eat the egg in the end, but i appreciate what my friend has done. Thanks =)

Something else following that — Ok another gift. I have been wanting to get this thing since last year birthday. Too bad nobody bothered to buy me such gift (To my friends who are reading this post, ahem!)

I’ve never mentioned to anyone else about this since December, hence i’m really surprised the moment i got this. The best part�is, this�gift traveled all the way from a far country…�and here it is… …

�a box?

and after i’ve opened it …

�a wallet !! something that i’ve been longing for…� =)

Thanks, i really appreciate it.

Upcoming next — ok I’m not trying to flaunt how much gifts i’ve received in a week time, but it all came in such coincidently to cheer me up in the midst of missing my babylucky.

I received another registered mail two days back…

�black box >.<

After I’ve opened it …

�Tissue Paper!! almost fainted.

But,

�There’s a hidden gift!

I know my friends wont be that bad. So occasionally I do receive gifts or surprises. Though the last gift was meant for me to ‘forget’ the pain of losing baylucky, but i know he can never be replaced. Thank you for trying to cheer me up, but i know how much Lucky stands in my heart and there’s a part of me has been taken away together with him.

Anyway, despite all ‘happiness’.. There’s always a sharp pain in my heart each time i look into the picture below. It’s like a needle pricking my heart continuously till it has gotten a wound, a wound that can never be healed easily.�

Baby,�I miss you and I love you. It’s never a complete happy family of 6 without you — CheChe really misses you

I am not sure was it ‘you’ who came back today which caused the mess in my lunch when i was away, but if it was really you and that explained all supernatural scenario that took place this afternoon. I wouldnt want to talk about it here, but if you do read English and understand CheChe, I’m here to let you know:

You are more than welcome to mess with�my lunch again. You are the only one who has been granted with such permission, CheChe promised.

-kJ-

�

�

�

Dear all,

I need 4 female Singaporean models.

Date: 17th June 2008 (Tuesday)
Time: Event Dinner
Venue: Asean Civilizations Museum
Job Scope: To dress up like a Bond Girl and take pictures with the guests.

Requirements:
1.�You must be at least 170cm in height.
2.�Good looking (Beautiful).
3.�Willingly to dress sexily.
4.�Photogenic.
5.�No visible marks/ scars/ pigmentation on the body and face.

Kindly send in your profile and pictures to kjseow@gmail.com

Should you have any enquiries, please do not hesitate to drop me an email at khaijia@iamkj.com
Thanks.

Regards,

KJ
khaijia@iamkj.com
www.iamkj.com/blog/events

�

There are pictures that speak a thousand words.. below will be some�pictures about Lucky. I regret for not taking more photos like how he used to like to greet ‘GongXi Gongxi’ with 2 legs standing, how he loved playing hide and seek, those moments he jumped up high with 2 legs just to reach the food because we’d forgotten to give him, etc. Sigh, God, can i turn back time? And avoid this tragedy from happening?

�when he first�came to our house ..

� oh he is bald!

�I smell food !

�� argh.. i can do some stunts !

�Why did CheChe dress me in pink?

�i’ve been locked !

�aha there’s a place for me to stand.

�dog abuse

�Pity me please

�CheChe, your saliva

�Do I look handsome in Green?

�I know I’m cute

�But i’m sick�:(�

�CheChe is this my last photo?

�I have to go..

�… …

Baby Lucky, Che Che loves you forever. I promise.

-kJ-

�

He passed away�on 9th of May 2008�morning at 10.15am. He couldnt take it anymore — it’s such a sufferance for him to hold on to life for another minute.

I went to the hospital very early in the morning when i received a call from the Vet, to inform me that he’s in a lil critical status. His Creatinin level is still high despite whatever medication has given, and he has not been producing any urine for the last 36 hours even though there’s a connector to his bladder.

The excessive�fluid has gone into his lungs and literally ’soaked’ his liver for a long period of time, causing it to enlarge and swell. His ears turned yellow — he’s already suffocating.

Why the f*uk there’s no nurse to inform me about this major issue while i was sitting outside of the ward waiting patiently for my ”11am” when i was being blocked to enter the room because the procedure says ‘Visitors can only enter after 11am’.

But i’m not here to blame whichever parties. Whatever that has happened, can never be changed.

10.20am, the moment i walked in .. i could still see a semi-warmth body quietly lying on the table. No movements, No breathing, No eyes-blinking, No barking, NO .. there’s nothing.

�

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It’s a sense of death. The last time i saw him was 2 days back when i left him at the ward and waved byebye — that’s also the only time he did not try to follow me back. Perhaps he has sensed that its ‘time’s up’ for him, and he knew and understood that there’s no meaning even to follow me home — he has to die anyway.

I was told he was at the end-stage, where it was caused by an acute virus attack to the weakest part of a miniature schnauzer breed — Kidney.�Kidney failure�has then led to the liver enlargement .. followed by the suffocation as the whole body’s functions are no longer synchronizing.

I cried, all i remembered was i cried. and cried. and cried again.

Perhaps, he didnt want me to see him die. If he was about to die in my arms, i will be sad forever to watch such scenario. The last few days just before he had this acute sickness, which obviously incurable, he was believed to have seen such ‘dirty spirits’ which caused him to be barking almost whole night with that pathetic sound..

To come to think of it, it might be negotiation on ‘when to take him’ or he was trying to block some bad lucks from hitting us. He sacrificed himself to ensure our safety .. I strongly believe in that.

He did a lot of unusual incidents the night when he was diagnosed by Dr.Yeoh in the clinic just before he was being admited into UPM Vet the next day. He went to ‘tour around’ the house, in and out for 3times and then leaned against my mum to actually ‘hug her’ — obviously he has never done that.

He still tried to play hide and seek with my sister (a normal game we played with him before we offered him some fruits), and he seemed to enjoy the game a lot even though this time he wasnt aiming on the food — he couldnt take in anymore solid food as he tend to vomit every single thing that goes down the throat.

(to be continued, i’m tearing and its hard to continue writing)

i miss my dog. i certainly do.

It all happened in a sudden — just like a strike of thunder with no pre-warning to alert you that the heavy�rain is here. Just like how you normally snap your finger to indicate ‘let’s go’.�He was still jumping and playing arond the midnight before, but in a few hours time early in the morning we found him vomited every single thing from the last meal and limping.

and the next thing, he’s already in the hospital with all the tubes connecting to the body for fluid transfusion. He’s not been eating. Not taken in a bit of fluid. Not peeing. Not shitting.

He’s like a ‘body’�with just�slight breathe every second — struggling to survive.

The night before he was admitted into hospital, he came into the house, he took 3 rounds around the house while we silently watched him, he went over to my mum to sleep in her arms. He has never done so.

He then went to my dad to sit in front of him, and since then, never has he changed his position. He was limping. We had to carry him everywhere he goes.

That’s my last bit of memories about him. I remembered i did not sleep the whole night and watched him vomited. i hope and sincerely hope i could at least help to relief a lil of his suffer. But i could do nothing.

The vet just called. They found his ears turned yellow — it’s another symptom of liver problem. They brought him for a X-ray check up, and realised there’s a swell and enlargement. It seems to have an�infection. He has taken in a lot of fluid due to the transfusion, but he has not been peeing. They connect a small tiub through his penis into the bladder, but there’s no urine at all.

It could only be two reasons,
#1 All the fluid has been absorbed into liver, thus causing the swell and infection.
#2 There’s a kidney failure — which obviously is incurable and permanent damage.

I cried my lungs out. I couldnt longer hold my emotions. He has been with us for a year, to be exact only 11 months. Not even celebrating an ‘anniversary’.

I hate myself for making him scream while barking cause i took away his food each time he tried to eat, i hate myself for making him jumped all over the place just to find where i was hiding, i hate myself for forcing him to drink some bitter chinese herbal whenever i cant finish, i hate myself for teasing him whenever he cannot find his food, i hate myself for waking him up in the middle of the night to play with me merely because i couldnt fall asleep…

Nevertheless, i miss those moments he lyed in my arms, i miss those moments he barked at me to welcome me home, i miss those moments he came over to lean against me, i miss those moments he suddenly kissed my nose — and even took advantage on my lips, i miss those moments he lyed down to let me ’sayang’ him, i miss those moments — every single moment he was with me.

I hate myself for leaving him in the house for a month just to go Korea backpacking, i hate myself for abandoning him this recent months due to my New Zealand trip and heavy workload + exams.

I seriously, regret over a lot of things i’ve missed to grow up with him.

Baby, will you give me another chance? Come back to me, i promise to love you as much as i can. I know you love me too.

The most crucial examination on him will take place tommorrow noon, and the results shall be out in the evening. Baby, please come back to me.

I beg you to stay. Please stay.

This is baby doggie waiting patiently for his turn while i brought him to UPM vet’s clinic at Petaling Jaya. We were then being transfered to UPM Serdang’s vet clinic due to his critical condition.

Love you always,�CheChe�promise.

�

-kJ-

As i’m tapping anxiously on the keyboard, my heart bounces a million; mind flashes back to some good old memories, and struggling to open my eyes wide big to alert myself i have to stay awake.

My doggie, is lying next to me. Not on my bed, but i’m going to sleep downstairs tonight. Perhaps not sleeping too.

I cant stop starring at his abdomen, wanting to know so much whether he still breathes; i couldnt stop tearing when i look�into his pitiful eyes — i felt as if they were whispering to my ears that how much he wishes to live with me forever — how much he loves me.

and, tears are rolling down my cheek the moment i type this sentence.

�

�

****************************************************************************************************

I woke up at 7am today. Mummy woke up even earlier, to her furious when she opened the front door she saw doggie vomitted all his food from yesterday’s meals. Obviously she had to do clean up the mess. She was nagging, i overheard it, but i thought it was just this naughty cum greedy fella who (which) over-ate his meals portions and hence led to such response.

I ignored it. Damn, hell knows�I under-estimate the consequences.

Went out, running errants, meeting up client to discuss on the upcoming events, even met up with an unimportant date — and i received a call from daddy at 6pm.

‘Jia ah, can you come home now? Doggie is a lil sick and has not been eating a single food since this morning. He has not even drank a bit of water unless we poured it into his mouth.’

WHAT?????

i was panic. I didnt know how to react. All i knew was to cancel my remaining two appointments, but client’s meeting at night in KL has been fixed and i have NO REASON to cancel. Still, my doggie is my baby. I swear i’ve tried my best to boost my MyVi engine to the max to accelerrate home. My mind was blank, all i could remember was i flashed my lights a few times to run over a few red lights.

Stuck in the jam but still managed to send him to the nearest vet clinic before 8pm closing time. The vet prick his hand and ears to get the blood sample, while waiting for the results, to our horror we realised doggie�was limping! He couldnt even stand straight on his 4 foot, and was basically walking around with three legs.

I almost fainted. Calmed myself down, the vet tried to check and confirmed that it wasnt a bone-fractured. It might be due to a sprained ankle - or knee (check your dog(s) to find out where are all the joints) and it’s believed to be curable automatically.

The vet broke me a bad news after my long awaitment in silence the moment he took even more blood as samples to run the kidney and liver tests. The safe level of�Creatinin in a dog’s body should be 100, but my baby doggie is 330. and there’s some other Scientific names of some dont know what tests were being run, which were all concerning�renal functions, and he failed all of them.

I brought him home. We cried. We didnt know what to do. Towards late of the night, he has been vomiting non-stop. Almost every alternate hour (or even more frequent) he will be coming out with some bubblish yellow fluid.. and as i’m writing now its 3.52am and i’m still staying awake to look after him.

I have this fear that i might lose him anytime. I dont want him to die. But there’s no ‘dialysis’ available for doggie, there’s no kidney transplant services for animals as well!

Sigh. I will just bring him to a vet hospital instead of clinic later.

and i just heard the gasy sound from doggie’s stomach — and here it goes again. Some fluid contribution.

Baby Lucky, we will all pray for you. and i seek for everyone’s help to pray for him, no matter which religion you are, despite whether doggie is believing in that, please pray to the God(s) to bless him. Sincerely hope he is able to walk through this big obstacle.

Anyway, i’m sorry mates to have awaken so many of you in the middle of the night just to check whether UPM/ UKM’s vet clinic is open at wee hours. I know i shouldnt do so, but i cant help. I was too panic when doggie was vomiting non-stop. Especially the friends whom i dont normally (or have never) contact with, i’m sorry to have disturbed all of you at 1am.

Your help has been greatly appreciated, terhutang budi selama-lamanya.

�

-kJ-