kJ’s paradise~

when was the last time i had a good write on things that have been happening around me?

I guess.. long time ago.

It’s Chinese Lunar New Year. I was supposed to be a joyous mood collecting angpao(s) from everywhere, yet i’m just here at home rotting myself out.

I lost the sense of ‘writing’ again after so long.

things have been good around me. of course, i had have some ups and downs over the last 2 months. I’ve gotten what i’ve been wishing for, materializing almost every single wish, but…

there’s just something which is missing.

the feeling.

have i ever mentioned i’ve always been alone during valentine’s day? on actual day itself i go to swim, have a good pedi and medicure, do some shopping and spend money that i’ll never do if i’m sane on normal days. but this time it’s first day of lunar new year. i have to then spend some time with relatives, entertaining them like a clown to smile for the sake of that few bucks angpao. honestly i don’t give a damn. how much can that few bucks change my life and why do i needa wish them a million times ‘gong hei fatt choy’ as if i was begging for that angpao?

i was waiting for someone to be in KL today. i was expecting the arrival around evening, but only to know plan has been changed, the very last minute. so i fall back to my lovely bed, trying to figure out what can i do this lazy afternoon.

remember i said i hate myself? (in the last few posts i remember i did). sometimes i hate myself, and i’m in a mood again NOW not to love who i am. such melancholic character i have. i dislike what happened yesterday, i regretted over the things i’ve done. i remember how i swear not to repeat the same mistake, not do be involved in the same mistake i once did.

but i just did it again. over and over again.

maybe it’s not meant to be forgiven. if i was born in the early Japanese era, i probably will need to commit suicide as an apology.

luckily i’m not. and i seriously appreciate my life for being alive.

i need some encouragement to get over all these. i really need.

but i’m still at a crossroad, crying over spilled milk which i will remember this lesson the rest of my life.

Remember my post earlier about my wish-list?

I’ve finally gotten myself a MacBook white 13′ .. a brand new model by Apple. Though i’m still trying to adapt myself to the totally new computing environment of Apple.. you know all the left and rights are just opposite of our normal computing world here. No right clicking keys.. etc. But i still feel good about this Christmas present

and no, i didn’t get myself any E71. I’ve then decided to buy a E72 which costs just slightly higher than the first phone i wanted to buy. From 5 presents i’ve rewarded myself two out of them… as 2009 is coming to an end i would say i’ve got quite a fruitful year this year

I’ve done quite a bit this year, doing a bit more than just a Talent Resources Management Company to handling events. It wasn’t a big leap anyway.. all these eventually have their inter-connection linking together. But whether i’m still gonna be doing the same thing for the year 2010, i really wonder.

I’ve found a place which might accommodate my lack-of-practice in psychology skill. Some place that is considering to take me in though i’ve not been touching this field after graduation. Should i go ahead or stay put.. it’s another choice.

It’s like what people say, To be or not to be, It’s up to me.

It’s a very random post, i’ve not been writing recently. Facebook has pre-occupied most of my time besides my tedious never ending emails, i don’t longer tweet as there’s no follower (ops) but i would just like to update this nice space i’ve gotten myself last year. As this 2009 is coming to an end real soon, 48 hours to be in precise, just wanna sit down and conclude what have i done this whole year.

Literally, i bum around and earn a bit, but lost in business deals later half the year in some wrong investment decisions. It’s been a year which full of ups and downs, it’s still what happens to each and everyone of us each and every year.

2010, i’m hoping it’s gonna be an even better year ahead, to me and my friends, for me and my loved one(s).

Happy New Year people

I’ve never stopped writing.

I know my fellow friends might be thinking i’m such a workaholic and have long forgotten my blog. No i have not.

A series of things have happened recently.. failure in a so-called business deal confirmation, lost some money, got cheated by a friend, etc. But there were also some good ones that balance all’em up

I did not receive much birthday pressies this year. Literally, as facebook got famous over these years i’ve been receving e-greetings and virtual gifts online. Somehow i miss those snailmails days when you were waiting eagerly for the arrival of a wish.. a card .. a gift.. from your love ones.

I still hand-write cards to my friends. I remembered how i used to send a postcard back home to someone i really love, to let him know my whereabouts and to show how beautiful a foreign place can be. Life isnt all about working and earning tonnes of money, neither it’s about enjoying life without limitation.

You just gotta sort out a balance point in between.

of all the wishlist i’ve written in my previous few posts, i’ve finally gotten a e72 instead of a e71. A silver greyish black phone, superbly high-tech (at least to me!) and keeps me connected to the world from morning to wee hours — till i fall asleep. Sometimes i feel awkward to have spent more time on a small little gadget on hand rather than kissing my beloved (oh my DOG!) and talking to her like how i used to do it.

2009 is soon to be over. In precise we are all left with exactly 20days to a brand new year. Every year i’ve been asked what’s my new year resolution? I wish. I close my eyes. I pray.

and i’ve got it materialised this November

Miracles do happen. Have faith people

It’s a new start of a brand new life. I feel great.

I might not have that much time to update my blog, till we are finally a year elder to the brand new 2010. Lets keep our fingers crossed to a better year, with love and be loved.

## Beee doesnt necessarily means bee, or b, or ABC

my day ended beautifully today.

So beautiful i’m so delighted with an unexpected outcome.

Though afternoon was indeed a sad sad day.

Sigh. Why do i always have two extreme feelings in a day. What a roller coaster ride.

But still.. i like how the day was ended

and although again, I was sick. Down with flu, fever and headache. In a package =.=

Tired. Hitting the sack early today. Take a good rest everyone.

and once again, Thank You for everything. Everything that you’ve done unintentionally which brighten up my day =)

sometimes i hate myself.

but most of the time i’m loving who i am.

I have the confidence in me. I know how to bring the best out of me.

but not today.

i’m just in the ’sometimes’ mood.

The sky seems grey. rainy times i guess.

and i’ve never hated myself so much like how i’ve been disliking what fault i’ve done all these while.

I was contemplating should i name this post Xmas Wishlist or Birthday Wishlist! well it serves the purpose of getting some gifts despite whatever occasion it is.. yeah i’m longing for lotsa items since i’ve started to work a year (or more) ago!

#1 Macbook Pro 13!

Yes. I know i’m greedy. I’ve been wanting to change a new laptop but not willingly to give up my dedicated DELL Inspiron which has been serving me for more than 4 years! It kinda gave up last year but i did a critical CPR to change its hdd and ta-dah. Now it’s pretty new except for its dreadful old look [lol]. Sometimes i think i’m such a loyal person (dont you agree? *wink) I dont know if i should do this drastic move to a MAC.

Honestly, i am not a very graphic kinda person. People has been telling me there’s no need to get a MAC besides to impress clients during presentations! Basically it’s not that ‘-other-laptops’-brands-friendly’ in terms of softwares and documents. Lotsa negative feedbacks came up - obviously from non Mac user but even more positive compliments from many of my MAC user friends.

HOW? perhaps i should really wait.. for Santa Clause to grant my wish! [I wonder where can i get such a huge socks to accommodate this MAC when he’s delivering it on the Xmas eve!]

maybe something like this!

#2 Nike LUNAR sport shoes!

At first sigh, it looks really ugly. [LOL] yes it does not create that ‘wow’ factor when i first saw it. Perhaps because i was viewing the blue one and realise how ugly it is.. wondering how this pair of shoes would uglify my total outlook. haha i know this sounds really ridiculous.

I was wearing a nice pair of adidas shoes - not exactly for sports but it’s more like a leisure type of shoes. I wore it to Perhentian for a mini trialthlon race and ended its lifespam by kicking onto stones with the ratio of 1 kick every 2 seconds. Within an hour of sufferance it finally gave me up- leaving my toes to be exposed to the muddy trail along the jungle.

So in revenge, i left half the shoes platform somewhere in the middle of the jungle- probably now it’s with any monkey’s arms carrying it like a baby- or long lost under the mud. [lol, again!]

I’ll be doing a half-marathon this coming 22nd of November in the annual Penang Bridge International Marathon. Not aiming for any medals, obviously. (ok perhaps the finisher medal shall be my target!] i can’t survive in my high heels in such run. This pair of NIKE Lunar sport shoes looks confident enough to support me along the course.

So, why not? =)

#3 GUESS Labyrinth Timepiece

This awesome looking GUESS watch is presented in a special design of GUESS 25th Anniversary case back. Quote what’s being written on its officical website, ”Adorned with glitz dials, crytal-studded cases and animal looks”, this special edition GUESS watch is dressed in leather straps that is fitted in an array of colors.

I’m so tempted to buy this. But i also know i dont have any special fond towards a leather-strap watch. But this watch looks so cool especially when it was worn on that superb lenglui (pretty) model’s wrist. I was bedazzled, perhaps. [lol] This doesnt quite look like a necessity but i would really want to own it, hopefully NOT when it’s having discount at off-season sales! [omg]

#4 SONY Cyber-Shot T90

Such a beauuuuutiful camera. I was test driving this nice piece of camera and instantly fell in love with it. I know there are still lotsa different brands/ models digital camera which seem to be even BETTER, but no dont stop me to be in love with it unless you have valid reasons which are able to prove its failure in whatever ways!

A must get item. Christimas or Birthday? argh!

#5 NOKIA E71

This white color phone easily captures my heart the moment i first saw it. Some of my friends are using E71 but with the black color model. I wasnt so attracted to it until I saw a colleague of mine using the White one. She was happily showing me this gadget which was given by her brother from The States. I was speechless. This gadget has all the functions i need on a daily phone aka laptop - just that i would prefer something with a qwerty keyboard.

A friend introduced me E75 but it looks a bit ‘man’ to me. Some reviews say this e75’s keyboard easily slides off and it doesnt serve the purpose as a qwerty keyboard. So my first choice should still be E71 white..

but when? argh!

Actually the list could go really long.. But i’m not greedy for now! (ops did i just say i’m NOT greedy?) well just set the target as 5 items and i shall conquer them! hmm.. better not set a time frame. I gotta give you guys my dear readers ample time to save up the money for the items!

muahahha

Cheers, and happy birthday to me.. SOON!

hugs.

My last updated post was a month ago.

What have i been doing for the past one month? I wonder too.

Work. It’s all work.

I’m finally taking a break time. I was away to Singapore for a couple of days over the weekend trying to find some peaceful feeling which i’ve long lost.

The tranquility.. the serene ambience which you have just by yourself. All alone.

I woke up at 7am almost everyday when i was away. I sat at one corner. I kept everything by myself. I looked up to the beautiful sky from the window. I wondered what’s my next path.

I’ve been considering for long. Whether i should still proceed with my current career. It’s tiring, undoubtedly. I still have the passion to it, but i’m constantly looking for a change in life.

Is this what i wanna do for the rest of my life?

It still leaves a questionmark. or maybe two.

There are too many things in life which i’ve then abandoned since i’ve started my work. I couldnt feel myself anymore. I’m like a working robotic machine that works throughout day and night. Looking at the increment of income doesnt guarantee a sense of happiness. I’m still lack of something.. a sense that can touch my heart again after so long.

I wanna love you.. let me do. Please dont stop me from loving you.

and I miss you.

Has been a while since i really wrote something.. meaningful. Perhaps every single thing in my life has been so meaningful that i dont even know how to pen them down - or perhaps, they were so insignificant that i lead my life sa routine as how it is everyday.

Am away from KL to work- will be going home this evening. Tomorrow till Sunday will be public holidays (supposed to be a Yeah!) but i have tonnes of work awaiting to be settled. Daddy is suggesting to go for a family trip. So the moment i’m back to my comfy bed i will have to be away again - is that gonna be a relaxing trip? Or just a gate-away physically but my mind is all set onto work.

Perhaps i’m no longer that little girl who sits to wait for traveling opportunities. I used to be always longing for holidays, backpackings, etc. But i have my liabilities now, i have my concern when i’m away. Not only that i miss my work - though i sound like a workaholic, but yeah, i always complain about my work but i still enjoy every single minute of it. Perhaps i still have the passion in it. I dont know.

We are always flooded with choices to make. Whether it’s gonna be a good or bad one, or wisely to say correct or wrong, who should be there to judge? I made a choice a while ago, though it was a heartaching one, and i guess i can maintain it till it lasts, but on-off i still have doubts onto that. Is that what i want? Though i know it’s a definite NO, but the situation doesnt allow me to go any further. I have to choose to let go.. aching saying a goodbye to someone i love.

Some people say it’s hard to understand what women are thinking. You know, you constantly have to guess because we are a constant changing creature. People say women change their minds every minute. Guys do, dont you think so? Perhaps we girls express them out. I see the need of an effective communication thus we voice out our opinions. Guys, however, might not easily show their emotions. They hide most of the things in heart but probably acting the other way around. And that’s how we pull each other away, further away, and finally a goodbye.

I’ve always been a very emotional person. If you’ve known me well enough, yes i listen to just emo songs/musics. I let my emotions settle to the most peaceful pace and probably, i drop a few tears to release my tension. But that doesnt mean i’m weak. Musics bring back most of my best memories in life, be it a happy ending or no, i cry for a reason.

I’m currently listening to What dreams are made of (ballad version). Found it on youtube, originally someone introduced this song to me via msn. He was telling me about this another blog which plays this as a background music, and we searched it through google and found this piece of artwork. It’s always this song that i feel him with me, i smile to every single challenge ahead though some seem to be an obstacle in life. When he’s away i listen to this song and cry.. not that i miss him so much, but even if he’s here i dont get much chance to meet him either. It’s a great sense of sharing feeling, we used to share so much (or perhaps just me?) and i have so much of my feelings being relied onto him just by chating.

He’s gone. Some people came into your life for a reason, they come and go because their task is done, They were here to help you out and though you’ve been really grateful and wanted to pay back with whatever you can, you will never have such chance. You might also be a reason of entering someone else’s life, but as it’s always a rotating routine, you leave people’s life without saying a word.

There’s no happy ending to it.

We hardly get a lifetime friend. I mean, you are not at your old age to say you’ve led a great life with someone, but if you do, appreciate them. I appreciate all my friends who come in for a ‘reason’ or ’season’, though they come and go i know it’s time to move on. How many times can you think back of your past and still feel great to have such companion?

I’m trying to keep my every single promise i’ve made. Though i fail and sometimes i dont even remember, but there are certain major ones that people seem to remember and still feel grate that i was with them when they needed me. Thanks for reminding me It’s a best way to cheer me up when i’m lost at such crossroad.

Just feeling a bit emo, for no reason. I’ll be fine, people Dont worry too much. The Kj that you all have known is still the same, i’ve never too drastic changes. Perhaps gradually evolving to be a better person .. i hope it’s really being a better one.

Went to watch The Orphan two days ago - ok i know it’s pretty late as it’s almost end of the season, but i’m glad i could still find time to walk into a cinema after all these hectic work haunting me day and night! wow sound so scary. Anyways, a good one i would say! Two thumbs up for The Orphan. and that ESTHER [lol]

Only those who have watched will understand what the first paragraph actually means.

It was supposed to be a great day. You know, finding time to hang out with friends and watch a movie though i was distracted by something that had happened.

It’s about.. betrayal. People mis-using my trust. I mean, i know i shouldnt be blogging about this, i dont know who are the random people out there who read my blog. But then again, i’m just trying to express my disatisfaction towards some people’s attitude in taking friendships for granted.

Relationships in general (including friendships! of course) are built on the term - TRUST. you trust someone and hence you are willingly to open up your heart (even if its not entirely) to him/her to talk about anything- at least to the minimum, you are willingly to spend time with each other.

I was just wondering whether i made myself clear about the concern i had earlier- i remembered i said it much earlier and everyone was clear about it. At least they should know - (or maybe i assumed?) Still, when shits happened (of course for a reason!) they claimed they have not known and are innocent.

I dont blame anyone for that. It’s probably my second mistake in work to have taken in ‘that’ crew member. I knew what’s her background, but i thought that was the past. We forgive and forget, i thought that should be the way. She took things for granted, came into my work and tried to interfere, and yes! ended up messing up bits of the situation.

I dont blame her. I just fired her off the work. But then again, never did i expect she has persuaded some others to join in the gang.. i called it a trap!

The sense of being betrayed is so strong that i couldnt even forgive myself. The last time i had such feeling was just 2 months ago during a job in Sunway. Of course, i learnt my lesson. But why do people still like to take advantage on the trust i’m giving in order to build the friendship? Shall i just not trust them and show them the hirearchy system that I’M YOUR BOSS and that’s it?!

I never practiced that. I knew it wouldnt work!

Sigh. Praying there’s no third time of such - i hate to be stuck in between.

Needa get back to work. I’m away from KL these few days and wil only be back on Saturday.

Concentration is a must now in work!

xoxo

I’ve been really busy.

I think it’s been a norm that i start my blog post with such sentence. Yes, i’ve been really,really busy. It’s to an extent that i think i’ve no life. I wake up every morning thinking about pending work, unfinished tasks, uncompleted proposals and perhaps cheques that are yet to received. I have to cancel off a few trips due to work, namely ‘profits come first’.

Though sometimes (or most of the time) i wonder if this is what i ever wanted in life. Perhaps all working adults are facing this dilemma and a turn-point in life which we dont longer have the advantage of making decisions as we like? Depending on moods, and probably flows with the emotions.

I’ve been playing Black Eye Peas’ songs I got a feeling over and over again - i just have this sudden liking to it. Perhaps it reflects what i ‘was’ feeling - yeah it was yesterday night. Not today though. But it eventually leads to my happy mood today

The power of a song.. and the words one says

Let’s just pray that my work will go smoothly- everything runs as per scheduled. Keep my fingers crossed..

I got a feeling.. That tonight is a good night.. That tonight is a good good night